#1

My first Bumble date was fun!  But he wasn’t for me.  I met him in my town at a local bar.  I was meeting a friend for dinner after and I only had about 1 hour or so to meet him.  I thought it was the perfect set up because I wasn’t stuck there for too long if he sucked.  When I got there he seemed to be slightly tipsy, I figured he was nervous.  But he drank very quickly.  That is not something that I need in my life with the struggles that I have had with over consuming alcohol and trying to moderate.  He was very fun!  He suggested that my friend come meet us and have a drink with us.  So she did and then we ended up hanging out all night. But we both ended up drinking too much and that is not the kind of relationship I want going forward.  I want someone who can have a few drinks and stop and who doesn’t need alcohol.  These are the habits that I am trying to relearn and I would like a partner that already does this.

The next day he texted me asking to go to dinner.  At first I thought it would be okay to give him another chance.  I thought maybe he wouldn’t be nervous and neither of us would drink as much on the second date.  But after thinking about it I thought that was a bad idea and our texting just kind of fizzled out.  he didn’t try too hard and I just let it go.  About 3 weeks late he asked if I was still interested in dinner.  I said sure and we had planned on going out on Sunday night.  On Friday I was out with friends and he invited him to meet for a drink, I said that I couldn’t but if he came to our area to stop by.  He never responded and then I didn’t hear from him until 6pm on sunday.  It was strange.  I didn’t respond.

Dating is helping me learn what I do and don’t want in a partner.  I want someone that makes an effort to see me and follows through on date plans.

Fear

I did it again.  Blacked out from alcohol.  How many times have I promised myself that I would never do that again?  I am so disappointed in myself.  I am making bad decisions and eventually something really bad will happen to me.  I may get a DUI, or end up going home with someone I don’t know or who knows what?!  I am not a college kid.  I am a mature adult and I am responsible in all other areas of my life.

And the worst part is I met a cute guy Nick on Saturday and he probably thinks I am a complete idiot!  I don’t even know if I gave him my number, I”m assuming he didn’t want it after my sloppy appearance.   Ugh.  The shame I am feeling is intense.  I have been wanting to meet someone naturally without using dating apps and blew this chance.

Do I completely stop drinking?  Do I allow myself a two drink limit?  1 drink an hour?  These are all things that I have thought of in the past but never stick to them because I think I have it under control.  But I obviously don’t.

I am meeting friends on Friday night for dinner and of course DRINKS.  Do I sip water?  Do I give myself limits?  I wish I could moderate like everyone else can.  I don’t know why that is so difficult for me.

This week I am going to meditate and pray.  I am in therapy and she said I need to learn to feel things and be more aware.  So that is what I am going to try to do!  I came across a quote today that definitely spoke to me – “Your life is a result of your choices.  If you don’t like your life, it’s time to make some better choices.”  I put the quote as the screen saver on my phone so I will see it often and remember to make better choices!

Wimped Out

Last night I was supposed to have my second Tinder date.  But I bailed.  I thought I would be excited but I was stressing about it.  We were planning to go grab drinks and watch the sunset.  It sounded nice:(

How am I supposed to find a new relationship if I won’t try dating?  Its like saying I want to lose weight but not willing to work out or eat well!  Doesn’t make any sense!  I wish dates could be at the beginning of the day, then I wouldn’t have the entire day to stress about it or try to get out of it.  All of my prior relationships just happened, we either met at school or through friends.  Actual dating is hard work!  I want to view it as a fun experience but need to work on that!

I’m still on the App and messaging back and forth with a few guys so hopefully actual Date #2  will happen soon.  This time I will go!

Update

A few weeks ago I posted about giving up alcohol.  That lasted 5 days.  I think/thought I am smart and strong enough to be able to control myself and not let it get out of hand.  I live alone and work alone and often get invited to bars to socialize after work or on weekends.  I know that I don’t need to drink.  I know its possible.  I never over do the booze when I am home.  Last night I had one glass of wine and it was no big deal not to have more.  Why does it change at a bar?  Is it the atmosphere?  This is something I am working on figuring out for myself.

I have plans for Friday and Saturday night this week that don’t have to include alcohol. Friday night I am going to the movies and I am sure a few will meet up for drinks before and after the movie but I can pass on the booze.  And if I drink anything before a movie I will more than likely fall asleep anyway!  On Saturday night I am going to a rooftop yoga class with a DJ.  It sounds like fun and non alcohol related!  I am going to start broadening my horizons and looking for new activities that aren’t completely focused around alcohol.

I still think of alcohol as a reward.  How do I break that connection?  Yesterday I had a 12 hour work day and thought I “deserved” a glass of wine when I got home.  I also think of food as a reward too.  I will work on breaking that connection but the brain and ingrained thinking patterns are so tough thing to change!!!

 

Loneliness

Its Sunday night.  I am hungover. And I am lonely.  I miss being in a relationship.  I am sitting on the couch, watching Greys Anatomy and just finished my second bowl of ice cream.  I am a total cliche.  I almost feel like the “cat lady”

Normally when I feel lonely I text a friend to go out for drinks but today is Day 1 of no drinking for me for some time.  I want to learn to feel loneliness without needing alcohol to numb myself.  I also don’t want to end up with any random person so the loneliness feeling goes away.  I have being hanging out with someone for the last couple of months.   I know he isn’t the right person but its nice to have someone around.  He has feelings for me and I know its wrong to hang with him when I don’t feel the same way.  Its a strange relationship/friendship.  We snuggle together but don’t have sex.  We meet up but as friends and then as the drinks start flowing we get more and more comfortable and intimate.  I know its fueled by alcohol and loneliness.  Time to stop that!  Its misleading to him and not getting me closer to a normal, healthy, new relationship.  I have made a list of things to do when I am bored or lonely and want to drink:

  • Yoga
  • Book Store
  • Watch Sunset
  • Go to Open Houses
  • Tennis – Find somewhere to take lessons
  • Library
  • Movies
  • Paddleboard
  • Bowling
  • Read
  • Work Out
  • Go to the Beach

Staying entertained is going to be helpful in this sobriety adventure!!

Day 1

Alcohol plays too big of a part in my life so I have decided to stop drinking for awhile.  Nothing major or awful has happened but I see danger in the future and feel like now is the time to make a change.  Alcoholism runs in my family.  So today is Day 1 of my no drinking journey.  I don’t know how long it will last.  I want to learn how to have fun without alcohol.  I am going to cultivate new hobbies.  I have spent enough time sitting at a bar.  I like being social but there are other things I can do.  And I have pinned 97 DIY projects that I can work on.  In my mind I equate alcohol with fun and I need to change that mindset.  I have been going out too much and overdoing it with the alcohol.  I never know when to stop.  I have a hard time going out for a drink or 2.  And then the next day I feel full of guilt and shame plus hungover and disappointed in myself.  I don’t want to feel that way anymore.  So today is the start of something new!  I am excited.  Since I am not saying I am never drinking again it seems like something manageable.  When I have tried not to drink in the past I end up bored so I am going to keep myself busy with non alcohol related things.

Bumble

My last long term relationship ended in August.  I have dated a bit since then but looking back I think it was more for companionship than a serious relationship.  My last relationship was from 2006 to 2017 and so much has changed since then!  There is Match, Bumble, Tinder, Plenty of Fish and on and on….

So I figured it was time to get started.  I downloaded the Bumble app yesterday.  So far its been fun flipping through or should I say swiping through different profiles.  I’m not sure exactly what to expect but I think it will be fun to get to know new people and I think I will also learn more about myself, about knowing what I do and don’t want in a partner.  I enjoy being in a relationship and I really miss that.  After my last relationship I wanted to give myself time to get over the hurt of that one ending and not immediately latching onto a new person.  But I was fearful that if I waited too long I would never get back out there.

Any suggestions?  Certain things to avoid in my profile?  Anyone find the love of their life online?!

Love – E

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a tough day for me.  My Mom has made some decisions in the last decade that has severed our relationship.  I have been very good at blocking out all thoughts of her because it is painful.  However all the Mothers Day ads remind me of what i am missing.  I think this has made me more compassionate for others that grew up in a single family home.  I was fortunate enough to have a close strong relationship with my Mom for the first 20 or so years of my life.  I will focus on those memories and continue to pray that we may have them again in the future.  But I can say that I am happy that Mothers Day is over!

 

Life

Hey hey!!  Finally went back to the gym today after taking Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off because I wasn’t feeling too great.  Stomach bug and complete exhaustion.  But I was able to have a few glasses of wine last night so I figured it was time to get my ass back to the gym!  I did the workout below using 65lbs.  It was tough after being sick!  Or maybe it was just tough.

Every 5 minutes for 5 rounds:

200m run

6-4-2

Cleans

Front Squats

Over the Bar Burpees

Going out with friends from the gym tonight.  I am so sick of my clothes and want to find something cute to wear.  However at the moment I am eating an enormous bowl of rainbow sherbet.  That should totally help before I go clothes shopping.  Oh well!

Saw something on Facebook last night that really upset me.  It was a picture of one of my good girlfriends and her husband at dinner with my ex-boyfriend.  Over the years they became friends but they were my friends first.  Am I being childish?!  When I type it out it sounds petty but it hurt.

Ok I am off to look for a cute outfit for tonight!

Five for Friday

I love Friday!  Even though I have my own business and can make my own hours and often work weekends I still love the feel of Friday.  Its like the last day of school before summer…okay maybe not that exciting but close.

  1.  I am excited to see a friend tomorrow that I met at my gym, Iron Tribe.  She moved away to take pursue a Nutrition Degree but tomorrow we get to reconnect!
  2. Its been absolutely beautiful here!  Low 70s and crystal blue sky.
  3.  A friend invited me over for dinner and made this awesome Smoky Bacon Chili from PaleOMG.  It was super good!
  4. I am obsessed with the Gilmore Girls…I know the show came out about 15 years ago but for some reason I am loving it now.  I love that I can put it on and do other things around the house, I don’t have to actually sit and watch.  I have about 1 more season to go, then I am going to be CRUSHED!  Did they come out with a newer version?  I thought I heard that.  I hope it doesn’t suck.
  5. I started The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society yesterday.  Its another book that has gotten rave reviews.  I’ll let you know my thoughts!

HAVE A FABULOUS FRIDAY!!!!!