Made it 9 Days

Well I made it 9 days without drinking and then drank.  It wasn’t even fun.  I’m not sure why I did it.  I wasn’t craving it.  I thought it would be a nice treat on a Saturday night.  Drink wine, watch Netflix, eat chocolate and just be comfy.  But it didn’t really work out that way.  I had one glass and felt kind of queasy.  Maybe that should have been my sign to stop drinking but I didn’t.  I ended up drinking about 3 glasses of wine.  I felt fuzzy and not in complete control and I didn’t like it.  In the last few weeks I have come to enjoy the feeling of being in control.  I don’t regret it or feel guilty.  I was in my own home and safe and not drunk in public making a fool of myself.  I didn’t wake up with a hangover or a huge bar receipt.

But I did learn something, the idea of wine to relax is just an idea.  I think I would have been more relaxed last night had I not drank.

So today is Day 1 again…however there is no hangover, shame, regret, guilt or embarrassment.  I am going to view last night as a learning experience.

Day 5

Just realized the post I wrote yesterday is titled Day 3 – it was actually Day 4…I am more into this than I thought!!

Today was an easy day.  I had no cravings or desire to drink.  I went to the gym and felt great in the workout, typically monday workouts are rough from binging over the weekend.  It felt good to sail through the workout and not feel like dying!  Or making promises to my body that I wouldn’t over do it ever again if I could just get through the workout.

Ive been counting macros on and off for a few months.  I have started tracking again.  I am on day 3 and am doing well.  I always screwed up before because I would factor in 1-2 drinks for the day but would never stick to that!  I would always drink more than I intended too.  I think tracking will give me something else to focus on right now.

I am trying to fill my life with more happy, fun things so I don’t feel deprived or bored.  I think I drank a lot when I was bored or lonely.  Boredom I can combat but loneliness is something that I am going to have to learn to deal with.  I’m not very good with feelings!  I was in a 10 year relationship where feelings were thought of as a weakness, so I spent a lot of time hiding my feelings and trying to stuff them down or use alcohol to not feel anything.  Looking back that should have been a sign the relationship wasn’t healthy but I was naive.  And in love.  Love makes you deal with weird shit.

I hope I have more easy days like today!  I’m going to meditate and then finish reading Big Magic by Elizabeth GIlbert. Peace!

Day 3

Well I just reread some of my earlier posts and so many are Day 1s of not drinking.  You know the first day when you are hungover and full of shame.  And then it stops.  There aren’t many Day 2, 3 or 4 posts.  With time the hangover goes away and the guilt subsides, that’s when I forget how bad it is for me! Then I find myself drinking again and then end up exactly where I don’t want to be.  Its a horrible cycle and the fact that I can’t beat it makes me feel like a failure.  Well today is Day 4 of no drinking.  I have made it a bit farther this time.  And its Sunday so I made it through the weekend! Well kinda…Its 4:45 and I just finished meal prepping and laundry and all that stuff.  Just sat down to read and relax.  This is when I would normally open a bottle of wine.  If I had one I would have opened it.  But I will not go to the store to buy something that is so toxic for me.

I went to dinner on Friday night with a friend and she had one glass of wine, I had water.  I overate at dinner and stopped on the way home and bought a container of ice cream.  I don’t want to substitute food for alcohol.  I want to find out why I have this compulsion to over do it.  So that is what I am going to try to figure out!

 

 

The Prosperity Game Day 2

$2,000 was deposited into my imaginary bank account today!  In real life if I came across an extra $2,000 I would add it to my Emergency Fund because I had to dip into that this month for an Emergency. (Exactly why its there!) But I think I am supposed to spend the money because more is always coming.  So, I would use this money to pay off my Dads car loan.  The last 10 years have been rough for my Dad emotionally and financially. I know he only has a few more payments left on his car and I would love to be able to pay it off for him.  It would give me such happiness to know that he is taken care of.  This game is fun!!

The Prosperity Game Day 1

I recently read Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks and loved the book!  Its all about the Law of Attraction and how to get it to work for you.  They have 22 different exercises to raise your vibration.  The higher your vibration the better!  You can only attract things that are on the same vibration as you.  One of the exercises or games is called The Prosperity Game.  Here is what you do

  • Establish an imaginary checking account
  • On Day 1, $1,000 is deposited into your checking account, on Day 2, $2,000 and so on
  • Write out a check or checks each day spending the money on something you would enjoy
  • Think about the item and get that good feeling
  • Try to play daily to expand your imagination

 

Ok so today I will spend my $1,000 on a massage.  My body feels tense and I know this will help.  I will opt for the 90 minute massage.  ($150)  After that I will go get my car washed.  ($20)  After that I will call a friend and we will plan a trip to Siesta Key.  I will use the rest of the money to book our hotel room and pay for the gas to get there.  ($830)

That feels good!  And was fun!  Try it.  The point is to have fun!  And not hoard money because you know more is coming tomorrow and an even greater amount is coming tomorrow.  It forces you to trust in the universe!

Date #2

Hi!  Happy Saturday!!  I just got home from the gym.  Ugh not one of my best workouts, felt like my body was in slow motion but at least its done!

Tonight I am finally going on a second date with Nick.  We were supposed to go out last Saturday night but my friend had a baby and  I will always pick babies over boys.  We are going out for Sushi.  I am a little nervous but excited.  How many dates does it take to feel something?  Am I not giving it a chance?  Do I expect to feel stuff too soon?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Last night I met up with two friends from high school that are now married and have two kids.  They seem to have  a really good relationship.  I am happy for them and its something that I would like to have one day.  Not sure about the kids but the relationship part:)

My brother got engaged this week.  He is ten years younger than me and everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay…Like I am the old single sister.  Maybe I am reading too much into it.  I am very happy for them.  They have been together about 6 years.  She was actually one of my best friends first.  I think they will be very happy together!

I’ll report back after Date #2!  I’m excited !

Life

Good Morning!  Its Sunday morning and sunny and just a beautiful day!  I have no plans and am just going to go with the flow and see where the day takes me!  I see lots of coffee and reading in my near future.  Oh and it is National Ice Cream Day so I will be celebrating with ice cream too.  Ice cream is one of my favorite foods!

I haven’t been on any dates recently.  But there is a new member at my gym that is very cute!  He is older than me, about 15 years older…but he doesn’t look it.  I haven’t even talked to him so I am definitely just admiring from afar at this time!  New members at my gym have to go into a special intro class for the first 4 weeks to learn all the movements.  He just finished that last week so now he will be in the normal classes, hoping to run into him and see what happens.  He is a Michigan boy – they seem to be my weakness.

I was supposed to go on my second date with Nick last night but I cancelled because my friend had her baby.  Babies will always trump boys!  She invited me to the hospital to visit and I just couldn’t resist.  Holding a fresh brand new baby is such a happy thing.  She is absolutely perfect and they should be heading home today.  I texted Nick last night asking to reschedule and he hasn’t responded.  Maybe hes pissed? I’ll keep you posted on that situation!

Over the last 6 months I have gained about 8-10lbs.  I kept thinking it would fall off and my body weight would return to its previous norm, but that is not happening!  I have been counting macros on and off but know that I need to stick to it if I want to see results.  But I struggle.  I will do great for breakfast, lunch and a snack and then someone will ask if I want to meet for dinner or go grab a drink and then I throw off the entire day.  If I know I am meeting someone ahead of time I will save my fat and carbs for later and make sure my earlier meals are protein heavy so I hit that number.  I don’t want to become a hermit and skip all outings but I also want to achieve my goals.  This is my struggle!  Anyone else have this issue?  I think I need to not be so all or nothing, if I am slightly off on the numbers its still better than nothing.  I get to wrapped up in trying to do it perfectly or not bothering at all.  I am meeting a friend for dinner tonight so I will be eating mostly lean protein and veggies til tonight.  Will save most of my fat and carbs for dinner.

Well I am off to finish a New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, its at least my third time reading it.  I rarely reread books but I find that I learn more and more each time I read this book and come to understand it and myself better.  Maybe I am finally becoming more conscious….

Have a great day!!!

 

 

Date #4 Recap

Well first date #4 is in the books!  I was expecting it to go better.  It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t amazing.  I think I had higher hopes for this first date because I met him in person and felt a connection.  It wasn’t a complete cold internet set up date. Nick and I met at a local bar and had a few drinks.  We were planning to meet at 730. He texted me at 715ish and said he was going to be a bit early, which I love because I can’t stand when people are late.  Once he sat down he texted me where he was sitting which I thought was sweet.  I hate walking into a place looking for someone and feeling goofy.  The conversation flowed pretty well but its hard to tell.  I didn’t feel an immediate spark or connection, like I had the first time i met him.  But I’ve felt the spark before with exes and obviously those relationships have ended so maybe I shouldn’t rely on that feeling?!

Speaking of exes, I spoke with mine on Thursday and all the sparks and weird feelings were there.  WHY?!?!?!  I want them gone!!  We put each other through hell and there should be nothing left!  We have been apart for about a year.  We haven’t spoken in a few months.  Speaking to him is BAD!  It makes me think all the What Ifs but that isn’t going to get me anywhere!

Anyway back to Nick.  At the end of the night we did this awkward hug in the parking lot.  I texted him once I got home saying that I had fun and he responded that he did too and that he would like to hang out again sometime.  That was 5 days ago.  Since then we have texted but he hasn’t asked me out again.  Am I supposed to ask him? How does this work? I am so clueless!

Date #4 Is Tonight and Other Updates

Ok…remember a few weeks back when I mentioned the cute guy Nick that I met when I was out?  That was the night I got really drunk and was super embarrassed the next day.  Well I must have given him my number and he actually texted me a few days later.  I apologized for being so drunk and he said not to worry about it.  He was upset with how he acted that night too…Not exactly sure what that means though.

We texted back and forth for a week or so.  Nothing too deep because honestly I couldn’t remember much from our original convo when I was wasted…Insert eyeroll here.  I was wondering if we were just going to be texting buddies forever but then he asked me out!  We are meeting tonight for drinks, kind of odd since way too many drinks were involved last time.  I am giving myself a 3 drink maximum and then I am coming home!  We are going to a neighborhood bar that I am very comfortable in so I am relieved about that.  Originally he wanted to do dinner too but I changed it to just drinks.  Dinner seems formal, I just want casual fun conversation with a cute boy.  If it is fun we can try dinner next time.

Ok, in other news  I have gotten my drinking under control!  I feel so much better about it.  I had so much anxiety around alcohol and feel that it is gone.  I went out on Friday and Sunday last week and was in control the entire time.  I was at a Birthday dinner on Friday that lasted about 3 hours and in that time I had 3 drinks.  I never felt like I was deprived or needing more alcohol.  On Sunday I met a friend and only had 2 drinks.  I was the first to leave on both nights, I didn’t feel like I had to stay forever and keep drinking.  I woke up refreshed and not hungover and most importantly not angry with myself.  The guilt and shame feelings are the absolute worst!!

Lastly, I have started counting macros again.  I am about 8 to 10lbs heavier than my normal weight.  I played with macro counting a few months ago but quit even though I was seeing results.  I quit because I was consumed by the numbers and figuring out what I could and couldn’t make fit for the day.  I am going to take a more relaxed approach this time.  It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.  I think if I hit the numbers 85% of the time I will see results.  When I don’t track I definitely don’t eat enough protein and I know that negatively affects my body composition.

Have a happy and safe 4th!!!

#2

Online date #2 was awful!  I met him on Tinder.  After Date #1 I was hoping for someone who didn’t drink as much.  I thought it would be fun to get to know someone without alcohol.  This guy wrote in his profile that he rarely drinks.  He also said he was an engineer and a father of a 5 year old son.  I am okay with dating someone with a child.  I am 33 and am looking for someone in the 30s age range, I understand at this stage a lot of people have kids.  He told me that he likes to play pool, so he seemed like he was still social even though he doesn’t drink.  That was important to me.

We decided to meet for dinner.  When I pulled up he was sitting outside waiting for me on the bench.  He looked like a little kid waiting for the bus. I felt bad for immediately judging but he was very short and had a very small build.  I’m pretty sure I could lift more than him.  We went in to the restaurant.  Typically I would order a glass of wine but since he doesn’t really drink I just got  a water.  He ordered his meal when the waitress came to get our drink order.  It was odd, I barely had a chance to look.  But luckily this sped up the night!  After we ordered we started talking.  Or should I say he started talking.  And talking.  And talked some more.

I asked him about his son and he was happy to talk about him for 15 minutes, which is great!  I love to see dads that are involved and love their kids.  After that we talked about his job, which he hates.  Then he proceeded to tell me about his ex and how life has beat him down. WHOA DUDE!!  No one wants to listen to your sob story on the first date.  I asked him if he was looking for a new job or what he was doing about his life.  And he said nothing.

At that point I realized two major things. 1.  If someone complains about a problem but isn’t willing to do anything about it I have a hard time being compassionate. 2.  This was exactly what I was doing in my life with drinking and my diet.  I realized I need to be completely responsible for my actions!

So even though the date was a bust I did learn something.  And for the record he never asked me a single question the entire night.