Date #4 Is Tonight and Other Updates

Ok…remember a few weeks back when I mentioned the cute guy Nick that I met when I was out?  That was the night I got really drunk and was super embarrassed the next day.  Well I must have given him my number and he actually texted me a few days later.  I apologized for being so drunk and he said not to worry about it.  He was upset with how he acted that night too…Not exactly sure what that means though.

We texted back and forth for a week or so.  Nothing too deep because honestly I couldn’t remember much from our original convo when I was wasted…Insert eyeroll here.  I was wondering if we were just going to be texting buddies forever but then he asked me out!  We are meeting tonight for drinks, kind of odd since way too many drinks were involved last time.  I am giving myself a 3 drink maximum and then I am coming home!  We are going to a neighborhood bar that I am very comfortable in so I am relieved about that.  Originally he wanted to do dinner too but I changed it to just drinks.  Dinner seems formal, I just want casual fun conversation with a cute boy.  If it is fun we can try dinner next time.

Ok, in other news  I have gotten my drinking under control!  I feel so much better about it.  I had so much anxiety around alcohol and feel that it is gone.  I went out on Friday and Sunday last week and was in control the entire time.  I was at a Birthday dinner on Friday that lasted about 3 hours and in that time I had 3 drinks.  I never felt like I was deprived or needing more alcohol.  On Sunday I met a friend and only had 2 drinks.  I was the first to leave on both nights, I didn’t feel like I had to stay forever and keep drinking.  I woke up refreshed and not hungover and most importantly not angry with myself.  The guilt and shame feelings are the absolute worst!!

Lastly, I have started counting macros again.  I am about 8 to 10lbs heavier than my normal weight.  I played with macro counting a few months ago but quit even though I was seeing results.  I quit because I was consumed by the numbers and figuring out what I could and couldn’t make fit for the day.  I am going to take a more relaxed approach this time.  It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.  I think if I hit the numbers 85% of the time I will see results.  When I don’t track I definitely don’t eat enough protein and I know that negatively affects my body composition.

Have a happy and safe 4th!!!

#2

Online date #2 was awful!  I met him on Tinder.  After Date #1 I was hoping for someone who didn’t drink as much.  I thought it would be fun to get to know someone without alcohol.  This guy wrote in his profile that he rarely drinks.  He also said he was an engineer and a father of a 5 year old son.  I am okay with dating someone with a child.  I am 33 and am looking for someone in the 30s age range, I understand at this stage a lot of people have kids.  He told me that he likes to play pool, so he seemed like he was still social even though he doesn’t drink.  That was important to me.

We decided to meet for dinner.  When I pulled up he was sitting outside waiting for me on the bench.  He looked like a little kid waiting for the bus. I felt bad for immediately judging but he was very short and had a very small build.  I’m pretty sure I could lift more than him.  We went in to the restaurant.  Typically I would order a glass of wine but since he doesn’t really drink I just got  a water.  He ordered his meal when the waitress came to get our drink order.  It was odd, I barely had a chance to look.  But luckily this sped up the night!  After we ordered we started talking.  Or should I say he started talking.  And talking.  And talked some more.

I asked him about his son and he was happy to talk about him for 15 minutes, which is great!  I love to see dads that are involved and love their kids.  After that we talked about his job, which he hates.  Then he proceeded to tell me about his ex and how life has beat him down. WHOA DUDE!!  No one wants to listen to your sob story on the first date.  I asked him if he was looking for a new job or what he was doing about his life.  And he said nothing.

At that point I realized two major things. 1.  If someone complains about a problem but isn’t willing to do anything about it I have a hard time being compassionate. 2.  This was exactly what I was doing in my life with drinking and my diet.  I realized I need to be completely responsible for my actions!

So even though the date was a bust I did learn something.  And for the record he never asked me a single question the entire night.

#3

Tinder date number 3 was the best so far.  This was the guy I originally blew off.  Then we rescheduled and he blew me off.  He texted me about an hour before we were supposed to meet to say his dog was sick.  I thought it was a pretty lame excuse but I did the same thing to him first so couldn’t be too mad!  When he reached out for us to try a third time I decided to go for it.

We met at a casual but nice restaurant.  We sat outside.  He ordered us an appetizer.  He took the initiative and just did it.  I appreciate that.  That is manly in my opinion.  We each had two drinks during dinner.  We were there for about two hours but it didn’t seem that long.  I was comfortable even though the conversation lagged at times.  He grew up close to me. He didn’t graduate high school but got his GED and started college at 16.  He works with boats and sounds successful.  He doesn’t believe in debt.  Being a Dave Ramsey fan this was music to my ears.  Also, we ordered carrot cake to share at the end. This restaurant is known for their amazing carrot cake so I was very excited when he suggested it.  He paid for dinner, I offered to split it but he said no way.  I offered to be polite but was happy that he didn’t take it.

Our date was last Thursday night.  He texted me on Friday asking if we could hang on Sunday and I told him that I had plans but suggested Tuesday.  He said ok cool.  Its now Tuesday at 5:54pm and I haven’t heard from him.  Was I supposed to reach out?!  I want someone that makes an effort.  I don’t want to chase him around.  I’ve done that before and don’t want to anymore!

#1

My first Bumble date was fun!  But he wasn’t for me.  I met him in my town at a local bar.  I was meeting a friend for dinner after and I only had about 1 hour or so to meet him.  I thought it was the perfect set up because I wasn’t stuck there for too long if he sucked.  When I got there he seemed to be slightly tipsy, I figured he was nervous.  But he drank very quickly.  That is not something that I need in my life with the struggles that I have had with over consuming alcohol and trying to moderate.  He was very fun!  He suggested that my friend come meet us and have a drink with us.  So she did and then we ended up hanging out all night. But we both ended up drinking too much and that is not the kind of relationship I want going forward.  I want someone who can have a few drinks and stop and who doesn’t need alcohol.  These are the habits that I am trying to relearn and I would like a partner that already does this.

The next day he texted me asking to go to dinner.  At first I thought it would be okay to give him another chance.  I thought maybe he wouldn’t be nervous and neither of us would drink as much on the second date.  But after thinking about it I thought that was a bad idea and our texting just kind of fizzled out.  he didn’t try too hard and I just let it go.  About 3 weeks late he asked if I was still interested in dinner.  I said sure and we had planned on going out on Sunday night.  On Friday I was out with friends and he invited him to meet for a drink, I said that I couldn’t but if he came to our area to stop by.  He never responded and then I didn’t hear from him until 6pm on sunday.  It was strange.  I didn’t respond.

Dating is helping me learn what I do and don’t want in a partner.  I want someone that makes an effort to see me and follows through on date plans.

Fear

I did it again.  Blacked out from alcohol.  How many times have I promised myself that I would never do that again?  I am so disappointed in myself.  I am making bad decisions and eventually something really bad will happen to me.  I may get a DUI, or end up going home with someone I don’t know or who knows what?!  I am not a college kid.  I am a mature adult and I am responsible in all other areas of my life.

And the worst part is I met a cute guy Nick on Saturday and he probably thinks I am a complete idiot!  I don’t even know if I gave him my number, I”m assuming he didn’t want it after my sloppy appearance.   Ugh.  The shame I am feeling is intense.  I have been wanting to meet someone naturally without using dating apps and blew this chance.

Do I completely stop drinking?  Do I allow myself a two drink limit?  1 drink an hour?  These are all things that I have thought of in the past but never stick to them because I think I have it under control.  But I obviously don’t.

I am meeting friends on Friday night for dinner and of course DRINKS.  Do I sip water?  Do I give myself limits?  I wish I could moderate like everyone else can.  I don’t know why that is so difficult for me.

This week I am going to meditate and pray.  I am in therapy and she said I need to learn to feel things and be more aware.  So that is what I am going to try to do!  I came across a quote today that definitely spoke to me – “Your life is a result of your choices.  If you don’t like your life, it’s time to make some better choices.”  I put the quote as the screen saver on my phone so I will see it often and remember to make better choices!

Wimped Out

Last night I was supposed to have my second Tinder date.  But I bailed.  I thought I would be excited but I was stressing about it.  We were planning to go grab drinks and watch the sunset.  It sounded nice:(

How am I supposed to find a new relationship if I won’t try dating?  Its like saying I want to lose weight but not willing to work out or eat well!  Doesn’t make any sense!  I wish dates could be at the beginning of the day, then I wouldn’t have the entire day to stress about it or try to get out of it.  All of my prior relationships just happened, we either met at school or through friends.  Actual dating is hard work!  I want to view it as a fun experience but need to work on that!

I’m still on the App and messaging back and forth with a few guys so hopefully actual Date #2  will happen soon.  This time I will go!

Update

A few weeks ago I posted about giving up alcohol.  That lasted 5 days.  I think/thought I am smart and strong enough to be able to control myself and not let it get out of hand.  I live alone and work alone and often get invited to bars to socialize after work or on weekends.  I know that I don’t need to drink.  I know its possible.  I never over do the booze when I am home.  Last night I had one glass of wine and it was no big deal not to have more.  Why does it change at a bar?  Is it the atmosphere?  This is something I am working on figuring out for myself.

I have plans for Friday and Saturday night this week that don’t have to include alcohol. Friday night I am going to the movies and I am sure a few will meet up for drinks before and after the movie but I can pass on the booze.  And if I drink anything before a movie I will more than likely fall asleep anyway!  On Saturday night I am going to a rooftop yoga class with a DJ.  It sounds like fun and non alcohol related!  I am going to start broadening my horizons and looking for new activities that aren’t completely focused around alcohol.

I still think of alcohol as a reward.  How do I break that connection?  Yesterday I had a 12 hour work day and thought I “deserved” a glass of wine when I got home.  I also think of food as a reward too.  I will work on breaking that connection but the brain and ingrained thinking patterns are so tough thing to change!!!

 

Loneliness

Its Sunday night.  I am hungover. And I am lonely.  I miss being in a relationship.  I am sitting on the couch, watching Greys Anatomy and just finished my second bowl of ice cream.  I am a total cliche.  I almost feel like the “cat lady”

Normally when I feel lonely I text a friend to go out for drinks but today is Day 1 of no drinking for me for some time.  I want to learn to feel loneliness without needing alcohol to numb myself.  I also don’t want to end up with any random person so the loneliness feeling goes away.  I have being hanging out with someone for the last couple of months.   I know he isn’t the right person but its nice to have someone around.  He has feelings for me and I know its wrong to hang with him when I don’t feel the same way.  Its a strange relationship/friendship.  We snuggle together but don’t have sex.  We meet up but as friends and then as the drinks start flowing we get more and more comfortable and intimate.  I know its fueled by alcohol and loneliness.  Time to stop that!  Its misleading to him and not getting me closer to a normal, healthy, new relationship.  I have made a list of things to do when I am bored or lonely and want to drink:

  • Yoga
  • Book Store
  • Watch Sunset
  • Go to Open Houses
  • Tennis – Find somewhere to take lessons
  • Library
  • Movies
  • Paddleboard
  • Bowling
  • Read
  • Work Out
  • Go to the Beach

Staying entertained is going to be helpful in this sobriety adventure!!

Day 1

Alcohol plays too big of a part in my life so I have decided to stop drinking for awhile.  Nothing major or awful has happened but I see danger in the future and feel like now is the time to make a change.  Alcoholism runs in my family.  So today is Day 1 of my no drinking journey.  I don’t know how long it will last.  I want to learn how to have fun without alcohol.  I am going to cultivate new hobbies.  I have spent enough time sitting at a bar.  I like being social but there are other things I can do.  And I have pinned 97 DIY projects that I can work on.  In my mind I equate alcohol with fun and I need to change that mindset.  I have been going out too much and overdoing it with the alcohol.  I never know when to stop.  I have a hard time going out for a drink or 2.  And then the next day I feel full of guilt and shame plus hungover and disappointed in myself.  I don’t want to feel that way anymore.  So today is the start of something new!  I am excited.  Since I am not saying I am never drinking again it seems like something manageable.  When I have tried not to drink in the past I end up bored so I am going to keep myself busy with non alcohol related things.

Bumble

My last long term relationship ended in August.  I have dated a bit since then but looking back I think it was more for companionship than a serious relationship.  My last relationship was from 2006 to 2017 and so much has changed since then!  There is Match, Bumble, Tinder, Plenty of Fish and on and on….

So I figured it was time to get started.  I downloaded the Bumble app yesterday.  So far its been fun flipping through or should I say swiping through different profiles.  I’m not sure exactly what to expect but I think it will be fun to get to know new people and I think I will also learn more about myself, about knowing what I do and don’t want in a partner.  I enjoy being in a relationship and I really miss that.  After my last relationship I wanted to give myself time to get over the hurt of that one ending and not immediately latching onto a new person.  But I was fearful that if I waited too long I would never get back out there.

Any suggestions?  Certain things to avoid in my profile?  Anyone find the love of their life online?!

Love – E