#3

Tinder date number 3 was the best so far.  This was the guy I originally blew off.  Then we rescheduled and he blew me off.  He texted me about an hour before we were supposed to meet to say his dog was sick.  I thought it was a pretty lame excuse but I did the same thing to him first so couldn’t be too mad!  When he reached out for us to try a third time I decided to go for it.

We met at a casual but nice restaurant.  We sat outside.  He ordered us an appetizer.  He took the initiative and just did it.  I appreciate that.  That is manly in my opinion.  We each had two drinks during dinner.  We were there for about two hours but it didn’t seem that long.  I was comfortable even though the conversation lagged at times.  He grew up close to me. He didn’t graduate high school but got his GED and started college at 16.  He works with boats and sounds successful.  He doesn’t believe in debt.  Being a Dave Ramsey fan this was music to my ears.  Also, we ordered carrot cake to share at the end. This restaurant is known for their amazing carrot cake so I was very excited when he suggested it.  He paid for dinner, I offered to split it but he said no way.  I offered to be polite but was happy that he didn’t take it.

Our date was last Thursday night.  He texted me on Friday asking if we could hang on Sunday and I told him that I had plans but suggested Tuesday.  He said ok cool.  Its now Tuesday at 5:54pm and I haven’t heard from him.  Was I supposed to reach out?!  I want someone that makes an effort.  I don’t want to chase him around.  I’ve done that before and don’t want to anymore!

Fear

I did it again.  Blacked out from alcohol.  How many times have I promised myself that I would never do that again?  I am so disappointed in myself.  I am making bad decisions and eventually something really bad will happen to me.  I may get a DUI, or end up going home with someone I don’t know or who knows what?!  I am not a college kid.  I am a mature adult and I am responsible in all other areas of my life.

And the worst part is I met a cute guy Nick on Saturday and he probably thinks I am a complete idiot!  I don’t even know if I gave him my number, I”m assuming he didn’t want it after my sloppy appearance.   Ugh.  The shame I am feeling is intense.  I have been wanting to meet someone naturally without using dating apps and blew this chance.

Do I completely stop drinking?  Do I allow myself a two drink limit?  1 drink an hour?  These are all things that I have thought of in the past but never stick to them because I think I have it under control.  But I obviously don’t.

I am meeting friends on Friday night for dinner and of course DRINKS.  Do I sip water?  Do I give myself limits?  I wish I could moderate like everyone else can.  I don’t know why that is so difficult for me.

This week I am going to meditate and pray.  I am in therapy and she said I need to learn to feel things and be more aware.  So that is what I am going to try to do!  I came across a quote today that definitely spoke to me – “Your life is a result of your choices.  If you don’t like your life, it’s time to make some better choices.”  I put the quote as the screen saver on my phone so I will see it often and remember to make better choices!

Wimped Out

Last night I was supposed to have my second Tinder date.  But I bailed.  I thought I would be excited but I was stressing about it.  We were planning to go grab drinks and watch the sunset.  It sounded nice:(

How am I supposed to find a new relationship if I won’t try dating?  Its like saying I want to lose weight but not willing to work out or eat well!  Doesn’t make any sense!  I wish dates could be at the beginning of the day, then I wouldn’t have the entire day to stress about it or try to get out of it.  All of my prior relationships just happened, we either met at school or through friends.  Actual dating is hard work!  I want to view it as a fun experience but need to work on that!

I’m still on the App and messaging back and forth with a few guys so hopefully actual Date #2  will happen soon.  This time I will go!

Update

A few weeks ago I posted about giving up alcohol.  That lasted 5 days.  I think/thought I am smart and strong enough to be able to control myself and not let it get out of hand.  I live alone and work alone and often get invited to bars to socialize after work or on weekends.  I know that I don’t need to drink.  I know its possible.  I never over do the booze when I am home.  Last night I had one glass of wine and it was no big deal not to have more.  Why does it change at a bar?  Is it the atmosphere?  This is something I am working on figuring out for myself.

I have plans for Friday and Saturday night this week that don’t have to include alcohol. Friday night I am going to the movies and I am sure a few will meet up for drinks before and after the movie but I can pass on the booze.  And if I drink anything before a movie I will more than likely fall asleep anyway!  On Saturday night I am going to a rooftop yoga class with a DJ.  It sounds like fun and non alcohol related!  I am going to start broadening my horizons and looking for new activities that aren’t completely focused around alcohol.

I still think of alcohol as a reward.  How do I break that connection?  Yesterday I had a 12 hour work day and thought I “deserved” a glass of wine when I got home.  I also think of food as a reward too.  I will work on breaking that connection but the brain and ingrained thinking patterns are so tough thing to change!!!

 

Loneliness

Its Sunday night.  I am hungover. And I am lonely.  I miss being in a relationship.  I am sitting on the couch, watching Greys Anatomy and just finished my second bowl of ice cream.  I am a total cliche.  I almost feel like the “cat lady”

Normally when I feel lonely I text a friend to go out for drinks but today is Day 1 of no drinking for me for some time.  I want to learn to feel loneliness without needing alcohol to numb myself.  I also don’t want to end up with any random person so the loneliness feeling goes away.  I have being hanging out with someone for the last couple of months.   I know he isn’t the right person but its nice to have someone around.  He has feelings for me and I know its wrong to hang with him when I don’t feel the same way.  Its a strange relationship/friendship.  We snuggle together but don’t have sex.  We meet up but as friends and then as the drinks start flowing we get more and more comfortable and intimate.  I know its fueled by alcohol and loneliness.  Time to stop that!  Its misleading to him and not getting me closer to a normal, healthy, new relationship.  I have made a list of things to do when I am bored or lonely and want to drink:

  • Yoga
  • Book Store
  • Watch Sunset
  • Go to Open Houses
  • Tennis – Find somewhere to take lessons
  • Library
  • Movies
  • Paddleboard
  • Bowling
  • Read
  • Work Out
  • Go to the Beach

Staying entertained is going to be helpful in this sobriety adventure!!

Bumble

My last long term relationship ended in August.  I have dated a bit since then but looking back I think it was more for companionship than a serious relationship.  My last relationship was from 2006 to 2017 and so much has changed since then!  There is Match, Bumble, Tinder, Plenty of Fish and on and on….

So I figured it was time to get started.  I downloaded the Bumble app yesterday.  So far its been fun flipping through or should I say swiping through different profiles.  I’m not sure exactly what to expect but I think it will be fun to get to know new people and I think I will also learn more about myself, about knowing what I do and don’t want in a partner.  I enjoy being in a relationship and I really miss that.  After my last relationship I wanted to give myself time to get over the hurt of that one ending and not immediately latching onto a new person.  But I was fearful that if I waited too long I would never get back out there.

Any suggestions?  Certain things to avoid in my profile?  Anyone find the love of their life online?!

Love – E

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a tough day for me.  My Mom has made some decisions in the last decade that has severed our relationship.  I have been very good at blocking out all thoughts of her because it is painful.  However all the Mothers Day ads remind me of what i am missing.  I think this has made me more compassionate for others that grew up in a single family home.  I was fortunate enough to have a close strong relationship with my Mom for the first 20 or so years of my life.  I will focus on those memories and continue to pray that we may have them again in the future.  But I can say that I am happy that Mothers Day is over!

 

Life

Hey hey!!  Finally went back to the gym today after taking Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off because I wasn’t feeling too great.  Stomach bug and complete exhaustion.  But I was able to have a few glasses of wine last night so I figured it was time to get my ass back to the gym!  I did the workout below using 65lbs.  It was tough after being sick!  Or maybe it was just tough.

Every 5 minutes for 5 rounds:

200m run

6-4-2

Cleans

Front Squats

Over the Bar Burpees

Going out with friends from the gym tonight.  I am so sick of my clothes and want to find something cute to wear.  However at the moment I am eating an enormous bowl of rainbow sherbet.  That should totally help before I go clothes shopping.  Oh well!

Saw something on Facebook last night that really upset me.  It was a picture of one of my good girlfriends and her husband at dinner with my ex-boyfriend.  Over the years they became friends but they were my friends first.  Am I being childish?!  When I type it out it sounds petty but it hurt.

Ok I am off to look for a cute outfit for tonight!

Five for Friday

I love Friday!  Even though I have my own business and can make my own hours and often work weekends I still love the feel of Friday.  Its like the last day of school before summer…okay maybe not that exciting but close.

  1.  I am excited to see a friend tomorrow that I met at my gym, Iron Tribe.  She moved away to take pursue a Nutrition Degree but tomorrow we get to reconnect!
  2. Its been absolutely beautiful here!  Low 70s and crystal blue sky.
  3.  A friend invited me over for dinner and made this awesome Smoky Bacon Chili from PaleOMG.  It was super good!
  4. I am obsessed with the Gilmore Girls…I know the show came out about 15 years ago but for some reason I am loving it now.  I love that I can put it on and do other things around the house, I don’t have to actually sit and watch.  I have about 1 more season to go, then I am going to be CRUSHED!  Did they come out with a newer version?  I thought I heard that.  I hope it doesn’t suck.
  5. I started The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society yesterday.  Its another book that has gotten rave reviews.  I’ll let you know my thoughts!

HAVE A FABULOUS FRIDAY!!!!!

Home Sick

I am sick.  I think I am sick of life.  I feel like I am in a rut.  I need something to be excited about.  I just feel blah.  I started this blog today because it was something that excited me. I love the Abraham Hicks quote, “If you’re not excited about it, it’s not the right path”  And I’m trying to follow that.  Life is too short just to go through the motions.  But I don’t know what changes to take.  I am 33, own a business and got out of a 10 year relationship last year.  I am fairly free.  I don’t have a husband or kids tying me down and my business is flexible.  Do I let my leased apartment go and travel?  Do I join an online dating site and look for my soul mate?  Do I foster kids that need me?  Or do I just wait for this fever and sickness to pass and go back to the status quo?  I have been overeating and over-drinking, signs to me that things aren’t right with my life.  I am looking for fulfillment.  Trip to Africa?  Sell my possessions and live out of my car?  Not sure what to do or where to look for what I am searching for.