Need to Write

Hello! It’s been a long time without writing any posts. But whenever I am experiencing turmoil in my personal life I feel the need to write. Its almost an intense pull back to my keyboard. This weekend was tumultuous to say the least. My Mom is an alcoholic and I don’t have a relationship with her at this point. She has been struggling for the past 15 years to stay sober and it is so difficult and painful to watch. Every time she falls off the wagon I feel so let down. I think that if she loved me enough should would be able to stop drinking but I know that isn’t true. Her love for me doesn’t have to do with her actions. But I still feel that way and have a hard time being rational about it. With Mother’s Day this being yesterday it always stirs things up for me emotionally. I miss her and feel like I am missing out on a very important relationship in my life. I got married last year and she wasn’t invited to my wedding. My brother also got married and she wasn’t invited to his wedding either. We’ve had to cut ties with her because its too painful to watch the same pattern.

I drank way too much on Saturday and made a fool of myself. I am not trying to blame my poor choices on my Mom but I do think it is related. I plan to stay away from alcohol for awhile. It doesn’t make any sense for me to way over drink because I am sad about my Mom drinking too much. That doesn’t help anything and only makes me feel way worse. Yesterday was completely wasted feeling hungover and tired and ashamed. I want to do better than that. Maybe going back to therapy would be helpful. Alcohol is tricky – and I have a hard time with moderation. I know my life will be brighter, more focused and productive if I am drinking less.

On Thursday, I was listening to an Abraham Hicks recording and it said “you must suspend your intoxication” and that spoke to me. I wish I had taken that to heart over the weekend.

Thursday Thoughts

Hi!  Thought I would pop in with a few things that are on my mind.

  1.  Covid cases are spiking in my state and my Covid anxiety is back!  I was panicked in the end of March and beginning of April but then it slowly dissipated as the number of cases weren’t as bad as first predicted.  But now they are going back up.  A guy that I am friends with on FB has Covid and reading his posts is freaking me out!  His girlfriend and daughter also had it and rebounded without any issues but its still alarming!
  2. Did a bunch of Ab stuff at the gym yesterday and it hurts to cough or sneeze today! I love knowing I worked my muscles and feeling sore but this is a bit much:)  Guess this is a sign I need to work my abs more.  As I am typing this eating string cheese and having a glass of wine….
  3. Tomorrow night I will see some friends and family that I haven’t seen since mid March.  Maybe it is stupid for us to get together as cases rise but we planned this about 3 weeks ago.  We shall see….  I know my mental health needs to see people and laugh.
  4. Yesterday we found out you can buy the last season of Schitt’s Creek on Amazon Prime and we did it.  Total impulse purchase but worth it.  It will be free on Netflix eventually but there still isn’t a release date.  It was $25…not gonna make or break us.
  5. We made these  Chocolate Lava Cakes     for Fathers Day and they are so good!  You really can’t go wrong with lots of butter, sugar and chocolate!  I prep them ahead of time and then preheat the oven as we sit down for dinner to cook them.  They are warm and gooey and the best topped with ice cream. We may have made two extra to have the next night.

Ok thats all I got today!  Hope you are having a good one:)

Monday Thoughts

Today has been a weird day!  Usually I love Mondays and jump out of bed to get started – but not today.  I am trying to be patient with myself and not push or force myself to be productive.  Luckily today is a very flexible work day and I can do this.  I have been listening to a lot of Abraham Hicks lately, especially around the topic of productivity and feeling worthy.  I am trying to fix my thinking that I have to be productive at all times.  I struggle with this because I beat myself up if I am lazy.  HELP!  Does anyone else struggle with this?  If you just do whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, how will you ever get things accomplished?  I know when I am able to surrender and go with the flow things happen faster and easier, but getting into that mindset is where I struggle.  It has to do with proving myself and not thinking I am enough or good enough the way I am.  All my life I have pushed myself to be better – so it is hard to accept myself.

My fiance is much better at relaxing and feeling worthy.  I watch him and am sometimes envious!  But I am learning from him.  You are enough just as you are – he tells me that all the time.  I just need to remember it more often.

I know I am rambling but just wanted to share these thoughts.  If anyone has any tips or ideas I’m all ears!

Favorite Quotes

I need some inspiration today and thought it would be great for me to re-read and share a few of my favorite quotes.  I find that I can be in the worst mood ever, but seeing these quotes can quickly boost my mood and vibration.  Hope it helps you if you need it today too!

“Remember that the reason you are doing this is to make your life better.”

“What you think, you become.  What you feel, you attract.  What you imagine, you create.”  Buddha

“You are somebody’s perfect.”

“Accept – then act.  Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.  Always work with it, not against it….This will miraculously transform your whole life.” – Eckhart Tolle

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”  – Dalai Lama

“Unsuccessful people make decisions based on their current situations.  Successful people make decisions based on where they want to be.”

“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” – Eckhart Tolle

“Six months from now you can be in a completely different place mentally, spiritually, and financiallu.  Keep working and believing in yourself.”

“Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.”

“You are responsible for your own happiness.”

“What others think of me is their choice, what I think of myself is my choice.”

“I say “Out” to every negative thought that comes to my mind.  No person, place or things has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind.  I create my own reality and everyone in it.” – Louis Hay

“Don’t look back – you’re not going that way.”

“A grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.”

“I do not fix my problems.  I fix my thinking.  The problems fix themselves.”


“When you focus on the good, the good will find you.”

“One day these 5ams will make you a legend.”



I just finished listening to a podcast from Brooke Castillo on Buffering.  It’s #132 and titled Stop Buffering.  All of Brooke’s podcasts give me something new to think about but this one really hit home.  She explains buffering as using things, substances or activities to numb our feelings.  Some people over drink, some over eat, some shop, some watch Netflix to zone out and not feel things.  Basically we do something so we don’t feel anything negative.  Buffering never solves the problem at hand and usually it makes it worse.

Why are we so scared to feel things? I am terrified of negative emotions.  Years ago I had a boyfriend and it wasn’t a good situation and I was always scared I would wake up in the middle of the night and think about it so I would take sleeping pills to ensure I wouldn’t have to deal with those negative emotions at 3am.  Looking back on it that seems so stupid – if a relationship is so bad that you need to drug yourself to sleep that is a major issue!  But I was too scared to feel things.

Since my DUI, which you can read about here: Life Updates , I haven’t been drinking very much and i have had to deal with negative emotions.  I’ve realized they won’t kill you!  They will pass.  I have learned so much about myself and what I really want.  I am a big believer in the Law of Attraction and follow Abraham Hicks and know that you need to be able to feel your vibration and align that with what you want.  If you are always drinking or eating to numb your feelings you are also dulling your vibration – this will never help you attract what you want using the Law of Attraction.  You are going to make it so much harder instead of easier.  I believe this is why I attracted my new Love while sober.  I was finally a vibrational match for him.

I am fearful that I will go back to buffering in the future.  I get anxious when I am bored and tend to over drink or over eat then.  I have always pushed myself in school, starting my business, working out, etc that there wasn’t a lot of down time.  So now when I have free time I panic.  I am slowly finding out what I like to do when I have free time that isn’t just over drinking to check out.  Sounds weird to say that I don’t know what I like to do for fun at 34 but its true.

Do you buffer?  What feelings are you trying to escape from?


I’m in love and want to tell the world!!  I have found the most caring and thoughtful human.  He is kind and sweet and a really, really good person!  Its funny because I knew him for about 3 years before we started dating and would see him every week.  However he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend when we first met.  But I did go to lunch with him after we first met and I remember leaving lunch thinking “Wow if I were single I would totally want him”

It all happened very quickly but doesn’t feel that way!  We moved in together after only 2 months of dating but it just felt right.  We have been together about 5 months now and it feels like its been years – in a good way!

He is teaching me so many things!  For one he is showing me how to slow down and enjoy life.  Not everything is a rush or a task to be completed.  I am always trying to be in the moment and more present and he is definitely helping with that! I’m also learning to be more compassionate and open minded, everything isn’t black or white.  He loves and accepts me the way I am – he isn’t trying to change me and he is teaching me to accept myself and love myself.  I am prone to beating myself up and its something I struggle with.

His family has welcomed me with open arms.  His parents live close by so we spend a lot of time with them.  Its nice to be included!  My family life has changed a lot in the last ten years or so after my parents got divorced.  I still see and spend a lot of time with my Dad but its not the same so this feels really good.

I know we will have an exciting and happy future.  I have no doubt that he is the man for me.


Life Updates

A lot has changed since I last posted.

This isn’t new – but its new for the blog.  In September 2018 I got a DUI.  I was embarrassed to even type it here even though I am the only one that reads this.  Now that more time has passed I am okay admitting it.  The whole event was terrifying and I take full responsibility for making a very very bad judgement call.  I am so grateful that I didn’t hurt anyone.  I would have never ever been able to forgive myself.

Part of my punishment is probation which means no alcohol.  This has been tough and eye opening.  I have figured out a few ways around it and have drank a few times but not a lot.  I have found some social situations to be extremely hard to be in and others are okay.  I think it depends on my mindset going into the situation.  I also like knowing I can always leave whenever I want too.  If I feel stuck or trapped and everyone is drinking I have a much harder time.

I started dating someone new in January and its great.  He drinks often, pretty much daily and when we are at home that doesn’t really get to me.  However, we spend a lot of time with his parents and they are so nice and kind and welcoming and they drink too.  They know about the DUI and they don’t seem to judge me for it.  But sometimes when the four of us are together and everyone is drinking but me it gets tough.  We will have dinner and I am fine and then the night lingers on for several more hours and that is when I get antsy.  I’m not good at sitting still as it is but this makes it very very difficult.  I am trying to look at these situations as opportunities to grow and appreciate the moment and enjoy the people I am with but sometimes I just want to scream.

For instance, last night I lost my patience and I wasn’t very kind to my BF. I haven’t decided yet what I am going to refer to him as on this blog.  I will do an entire post on him soon because he definitely deserves it.  He is the sweetest, kindest person.  I feel very lucky.  But we’ll save that for another day.

I am glad I typed this and feel like i got it off my chest:)

Have a kick ass Saturday!

Prosperity Game Day 3

I missed a few days of the Prosperity Game and couldn’t decide if I should skip ahead or continue in sequential order, I decided to go in sequential order.  Today $3,000 was deposited into my imaginary bank account.  I would purchase a ticket to Thailand.  I just did a quick search and a plane ticket to Bangkok would be about $1000 – that’s actually much cheaper than I thought it would be!  I spend the rest of the money on a beautiful resort in the jungle.  My room would be spacious and have lovely jungle and water views.  It would have a big bath tub.  The resort would offer yoga classes, meditations and a spa.  I would book an excursion to see elephants and to visit a refuge camp to volunteer.  I would meet an amazing man at the resort and we would share a few meals together.  It would be a trip that I would never forget.


Good Morning!  Its Sunday morning and sunny and just a beautiful day!  I have no plans and am just going to go with the flow and see where the day takes me!  I see lots of coffee and reading in my near future.  Oh and it is National Ice Cream Day so I will be celebrating with ice cream too.  Ice cream is one of my favorite foods!

I haven’t been on any dates recently.  But there is a new member at my gym that is very cute!  He is older than me, about 15 years older…but he doesn’t look it.  I haven’t even talked to him so I am definitely just admiring from afar at this time!  New members at my gym have to go into a special intro class for the first 4 weeks to learn all the movements.  He just finished that last week so now he will be in the normal classes, hoping to run into him and see what happens.  He is a Michigan boy – they seem to be my weakness.

I was supposed to go on my second date with Nick last night but I cancelled because my friend had her baby.  Babies will always trump boys!  She invited me to the hospital to visit and I just couldn’t resist.  Holding a fresh brand new baby is such a happy thing.  She is absolutely perfect and they should be heading home today.  I texted Nick last night asking to reschedule and he hasn’t responded.  Maybe hes pissed? I’ll keep you posted on that situation!

Over the last 6 months I have gained about 8-10lbs.  I kept thinking it would fall off and my body weight would return to its previous norm, but that is not happening!  I have been counting macros on and off but know that I need to stick to it if I want to see results.  But I struggle.  I will do great for breakfast, lunch and a snack and then someone will ask if I want to meet for dinner or go grab a drink and then I throw off the entire day.  If I know I am meeting someone ahead of time I will save my fat and carbs for later and make sure my earlier meals are protein heavy so I hit that number.  I don’t want to become a hermit and skip all outings but I also want to achieve my goals.  This is my struggle!  Anyone else have this issue?  I think I need to not be so all or nothing, if I am slightly off on the numbers its still better than nothing.  I get to wrapped up in trying to do it perfectly or not bothering at all.  I am meeting a friend for dinner tonight so I will be eating mostly lean protein and veggies til tonight.  Will save most of my fat and carbs for dinner.

Well I am off to finish a New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, its at least my third time reading it.  I rarely reread books but I find that I learn more and more each time I read this book and come to understand it and myself better.  Maybe I am finally becoming more conscious….

Have a great day!!!



Date #4 Is Tonight and Other Updates

Ok…remember a few weeks back when I mentioned the cute guy Nick that I met when I was out?  That was the night I got really drunk and was super embarrassed the next day.  Well I must have given him my number and he actually texted me a few days later.  I apologized for being so drunk and he said not to worry about it.  He was upset with how he acted that night too…Not exactly sure what that means though.

We texted back and forth for a week or so.  Nothing too deep because honestly I couldn’t remember much from our original convo when I was wasted…Insert eyeroll here.  I was wondering if we were just going to be texting buddies forever but then he asked me out!  We are meeting tonight for drinks, kind of odd since way too many drinks were involved last time.  I am giving myself a 3 drink maximum and then I am coming home!  We are going to a neighborhood bar that I am very comfortable in so I am relieved about that.  Originally he wanted to do dinner too but I changed it to just drinks.  Dinner seems formal, I just want casual fun conversation with a cute boy.  If it is fun we can try dinner next time.

Ok, in other news  I have gotten my drinking under control!  I feel so much better about it.  I had so much anxiety around alcohol and feel that it is gone.  I went out on Friday and Sunday last week and was in control the entire time.  I was at a Birthday dinner on Friday that lasted about 3 hours and in that time I had 3 drinks.  I never felt like I was deprived or needing more alcohol.  On Sunday I met a friend and only had 2 drinks.  I was the first to leave on both nights, I didn’t feel like I had to stay forever and keep drinking.  I woke up refreshed and not hungover and most importantly not angry with myself.  The guilt and shame feelings are the absolute worst!!

Lastly, I have started counting macros again.  I am about 8 to 10lbs heavier than my normal weight.  I played with macro counting a few months ago but quit even though I was seeing results.  I quit because I was consumed by the numbers and figuring out what I could and couldn’t make fit for the day.  I am going to take a more relaxed approach this time.  It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.  I think if I hit the numbers 85% of the time I will see results.  When I don’t track I definitely don’t eat enough protein and I know that negatively affects my body composition.

Have a happy and safe 4th!!!