Made it 9 Days

Well I made it 9 days without drinking and then drank.  It wasn’t even fun.  I’m not sure why I did it.  I wasn’t craving it.  I thought it would be a nice treat on a Saturday night.  Drink wine, watch Netflix, eat chocolate and just be comfy.  But it didn’t really work out that way.  I had one glass and felt kind of queasy.  Maybe that should have been my sign to stop drinking but I didn’t.  I ended up drinking about 3 glasses of wine.  I felt fuzzy and not in complete control and I didn’t like it.  In the last few weeks I have come to enjoy the feeling of being in control.  I don’t regret it or feel guilty.  I was in my own home and safe and not drunk in public making a fool of myself.  I didn’t wake up with a hangover or a huge bar receipt.

But I did learn something, the idea of wine to relax is just an idea.  I think I would have been more relaxed last night had I not drank.

So today is Day 1 again…however there is no hangover, shame, regret, guilt or embarrassment.  I am going to view last night as a learning experience.

Day 5

Just realized the post I wrote yesterday is titled Day 3 – it was actually Day 4…I am more into this than I thought!!

Today was an easy day.  I had no cravings or desire to drink.  I went to the gym and felt great in the workout, typically monday workouts are rough from binging over the weekend.  It felt good to sail through the workout and not feel like dying!  Or making promises to my body that I wouldn’t over do it ever again if I could just get through the workout.

Ive been counting macros on and off for a few months.  I have started tracking again.  I am on day 3 and am doing well.  I always screwed up before because I would factor in 1-2 drinks for the day but would never stick to that!  I would always drink more than I intended too.  I think tracking will give me something else to focus on right now.

I am trying to fill my life with more happy, fun things so I don’t feel deprived or bored.  I think I drank a lot when I was bored or lonely.  Boredom I can combat but loneliness is something that I am going to have to learn to deal with.  I’m not very good with feelings!  I was in a 10 year relationship where feelings were thought of as a weakness, so I spent a lot of time hiding my feelings and trying to stuff them down or use alcohol to not feel anything.  Looking back that should have been a sign the relationship wasn’t healthy but I was naive.  And in love.  Love makes you deal with weird shit.

I hope I have more easy days like today!  I’m going to meditate and then finish reading Big Magic by Elizabeth GIlbert. Peace!

Day 3

Well I just reread some of my earlier posts and so many are Day 1s of not drinking.  You know the first day when you are hungover and full of shame.  And then it stops.  There aren’t many Day 2, 3 or 4 posts.  With time the hangover goes away and the guilt subsides, that’s when I forget how bad it is for me! Then I find myself drinking again and then end up exactly where I don’t want to be.  Its a horrible cycle and the fact that I can’t beat it makes me feel like a failure.  Well today is Day 4 of no drinking.  I have made it a bit farther this time.  And its Sunday so I made it through the weekend! Well kinda…Its 4:45 and I just finished meal prepping and laundry and all that stuff.  Just sat down to read and relax.  This is when I would normally open a bottle of wine.  If I had one I would have opened it.  But I will not go to the store to buy something that is so toxic for me.

I went to dinner on Friday night with a friend and she had one glass of wine, I had water.  I overate at dinner and stopped on the way home and bought a container of ice cream.  I don’t want to substitute food for alcohol.  I want to find out why I have this compulsion to over do it.  So that is what I am going to try to figure out!

 

 

Day 1

Alcohol plays too big of a part in my life so I have decided to stop drinking for awhile.  Nothing major or awful has happened but I see danger in the future and feel like now is the time to make a change.  Alcoholism runs in my family.  So today is Day 1 of my no drinking journey.  I don’t know how long it will last.  I want to learn how to have fun without alcohol.  I am going to cultivate new hobbies.  I have spent enough time sitting at a bar.  I like being social but there are other things I can do.  And I have pinned 97 DIY projects that I can work on.  In my mind I equate alcohol with fun and I need to change that mindset.  I have been going out too much and overdoing it with the alcohol.  I never know when to stop.  I have a hard time going out for a drink or 2.  And then the next day I feel full of guilt and shame plus hungover and disappointed in myself.  I don’t want to feel that way anymore.  So today is the start of something new!  I am excited.  Since I am not saying I am never drinking again it seems like something manageable.  When I have tried not to drink in the past I end up bored so I am going to keep myself busy with non alcohol related things.