Life Updates

A lot has changed since I last posted.

This isn’t new – but its new for the blog.  In September 2018 I got a DUI.  I was embarrassed to even type it here even though I am the only one that reads this.  Now that more time has passed I am okay admitting it.  The whole event was terrifying and I take full responsibility for making a very very bad judgement call.  I am so grateful that I didn’t hurt anyone.  I would have never ever been able to forgive myself.

Part of my punishment is probation which means no alcohol.  This has been tough and eye opening.  I have figured out a few ways around it and have drank a few times but not a lot.  I have found some social situations to be extremely hard to be in and others are okay.  I think it depends on my mindset going into the situation.  I also like knowing I can always leave whenever I want too.  If I feel stuck or trapped and everyone is drinking I have a much harder time.

I started dating someone new in January and its great.  He drinks often, pretty much daily and when we are at home that doesn’t really get to me.  However, we spend a lot of time with his parents and they are so nice and kind and welcoming and they drink too.  They know about the DUI and they don’t seem to judge me for it.  But sometimes when the four of us are together and everyone is drinking but me it gets tough.  We will have dinner and I am fine and then the night lingers on for several more hours and that is when I get antsy.  I’m not good at sitting still as it is but this makes it very very difficult.  I am trying to look at these situations as opportunities to grow and appreciate the moment and enjoy the people I am with but sometimes I just want to scream.

For instance, last night I lost my patience and I wasn’t very kind to my BF. I haven’t decided yet what I am going to refer to him as on this blog.  I will do an entire post on him soon because he definitely deserves it.  He is the sweetest, kindest person.  I feel very lucky.  But we’ll save that for another day.

I am glad I typed this and feel like i got it off my chest:)

Have a kick ass Saturday!

Prosperity Game Day 5

Today $5,000 is deposited into my imaginary bank account.  Today I would contribute all $5,000 to my Roth IRA for my 2018 contribution.  This may not sounds as fun as a trip to Thailand or NYC but it would give me peace of mind.  I have been following Dave Ramsey for years and love him!!  If you are not familiar with Dave Ramsey he is a personal finance advocate.  He has created 7 Baby Steps for people to follow to achieve financial freedom.  One of the steps along the way is to save 15% of your income for retirement.  Currently 15% of my income would be more than $5,000 but the max that you can put into a Roth IRA for 2018 is $5,500.  Roth IRA’s grow tax free!!  This is one of the very few ways to get tax free growth in the US.

 

Prosperity Game Day 4

Today I get another deposit into my imaginary bank account of $4,000!  I have been thinking all day today about how I would spend this.  The trip to Thailand that I purchased with my $3,000 deposit made me really happy.  I thought about it and got into a really good feeling vibration – that is the point of the game!  To make yourself feel really really good and to know what it is you really want.  I have always thought that I am more of an experience person than a stuff person.  I would much rather go on a trip or get a massage or spend money on someone else than buy items.  When I was younger my Dad would tidy up the house and he would always throw things out and it would make me so mad but now I get it!  I get a high from donating items or discarding things that are no longer useful.

It just hit me!!  I would use the $4,000 to purchase plane tickets to NYC for December 15th.  I would buy tickets for my Dad and my brother.  NYC at Christmas time is absolutely amazing!!  When I was younger I would go with my Dad for a day into the city and it was magical.  We would go see the tree at Rockefeller Center.  I was always amazed by how big it is!  We would go see the Rockettets in the Christmas Spectacular on Broadway.  One year we went into Trump Towers to look at the shops and we actually saw Donald Trump!  This was probably in 1996 – before The Apprentice and way before he ran for office.  I actually got his autograph on a crumpled up Dunkin Donuts napkin – wish I still had it!  My brother was too young to experience any of this so I would love to be able to take him too.  I would rent a cute Air BNB in Soho with beautiful brick walls inside.  It would be a lot of fun and a great bonding experience for my family!

Prosperity Game Day 3

I missed a few days of the Prosperity Game and couldn’t decide if I should skip ahead or continue in sequential order, I decided to go in sequential order.  Today $3,000 was deposited into my imaginary bank account.  I would purchase a ticket to Thailand.  I just did a quick search and a plane ticket to Bangkok would be about $1000 – that’s actually much cheaper than I thought it would be!  I spend the rest of the money on a beautiful resort in the jungle.  My room would be spacious and have lovely jungle and water views.  It would have a big bath tub.  The resort would offer yoga classes, meditations and a spa.  I would book an excursion to see elephants and to visit a refuge camp to volunteer.  I would meet an amazing man at the resort and we would share a few meals together.  It would be a trip that I would never forget.

Made it 9 Days

Well I made it 9 days without drinking and then drank.  It wasn’t even fun.  I’m not sure why I did it.  I wasn’t craving it.  I thought it would be a nice treat on a Saturday night.  Drink wine, watch Netflix, eat chocolate and just be comfy.  But it didn’t really work out that way.  I had one glass and felt kind of queasy.  Maybe that should have been my sign to stop drinking but I didn’t.  I ended up drinking about 3 glasses of wine.  I felt fuzzy and not in complete control and I didn’t like it.  In the last few weeks I have come to enjoy the feeling of being in control.  I don’t regret it or feel guilty.  I was in my own home and safe and not drunk in public making a fool of myself.  I didn’t wake up with a hangover or a huge bar receipt.

But I did learn something, the idea of wine to relax is just an idea.  I think I would have been more relaxed last night had I not drank.

So today is Day 1 again…however there is no hangover, shame, regret, guilt or embarrassment.  I am going to view last night as a learning experience.

Day 5

Just realized the post I wrote yesterday is titled Day 3 – it was actually Day 4…I am more into this than I thought!!

Today was an easy day.  I had no cravings or desire to drink.  I went to the gym and felt great in the workout, typically monday workouts are rough from binging over the weekend.  It felt good to sail through the workout and not feel like dying!  Or making promises to my body that I wouldn’t over do it ever again if I could just get through the workout.

Ive been counting macros on and off for a few months.  I have started tracking again.  I am on day 3 and am doing well.  I always screwed up before because I would factor in 1-2 drinks for the day but would never stick to that!  I would always drink more than I intended too.  I think tracking will give me something else to focus on right now.

I am trying to fill my life with more happy, fun things so I don’t feel deprived or bored.  I think I drank a lot when I was bored or lonely.  Boredom I can combat but loneliness is something that I am going to have to learn to deal with.  I’m not very good with feelings!  I was in a 10 year relationship where feelings were thought of as a weakness, so I spent a lot of time hiding my feelings and trying to stuff them down or use alcohol to not feel anything.  Looking back that should have been a sign the relationship wasn’t healthy but I was naive.  And in love.  Love makes you deal with weird shit.

I hope I have more easy days like today!  I’m going to meditate and then finish reading Big Magic by Elizabeth GIlbert. Peace!

Day 3

Well I just reread some of my earlier posts and so many are Day 1s of not drinking.  You know the first day when you are hungover and full of shame.  And then it stops.  There aren’t many Day 2, 3 or 4 posts.  With time the hangover goes away and the guilt subsides, that’s when I forget how bad it is for me! Then I find myself drinking again and then end up exactly where I don’t want to be.  Its a horrible cycle and the fact that I can’t beat it makes me feel like a failure.  Well today is Day 4 of no drinking.  I have made it a bit farther this time.  And its Sunday so I made it through the weekend! Well kinda…Its 4:45 and I just finished meal prepping and laundry and all that stuff.  Just sat down to read and relax.  This is when I would normally open a bottle of wine.  If I had one I would have opened it.  But I will not go to the store to buy something that is so toxic for me.

I went to dinner on Friday night with a friend and she had one glass of wine, I had water.  I overate at dinner and stopped on the way home and bought a container of ice cream.  I don’t want to substitute food for alcohol.  I want to find out why I have this compulsion to over do it.  So that is what I am going to try to figure out!

 

 

The Prosperity Game Day 2

$2,000 was deposited into my imaginary bank account today!  In real life if I came across an extra $2,000 I would add it to my Emergency Fund because I had to dip into that this month for an Emergency. (Exactly why its there!) But I think I am supposed to spend the money because more is always coming.  So, I would use this money to pay off my Dads car loan.  The last 10 years have been rough for my Dad emotionally and financially. I know he only has a few more payments left on his car and I would love to be able to pay it off for him.  It would give me such happiness to know that he is taken care of.  This game is fun!!

The Prosperity Game Day 1

I recently read Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks and loved the book!  Its all about the Law of Attraction and how to get it to work for you.  They have 22 different exercises to raise your vibration.  The higher your vibration the better!  You can only attract things that are on the same vibration as you.  One of the exercises or games is called The Prosperity Game.  Here is what you do

  • Establish an imaginary checking account
  • On Day 1, $1,000 is deposited into your checking account, on Day 2, $2,000 and so on
  • Write out a check or checks each day spending the money on something you would enjoy
  • Think about the item and get that good feeling
  • Try to play daily to expand your imagination

 

Ok so today I will spend my $1,000 on a massage.  My body feels tense and I know this will help.  I will opt for the 90 minute massage.  ($150)  After that I will go get my car washed.  ($20)  After that I will call a friend and we will plan a trip to Siesta Key.  I will use the rest of the money to book our hotel room and pay for the gas to get there.  ($830)

That feels good!  And was fun!  Try it.  The point is to have fun!  And not hoard money because you know more is coming tomorrow and an even greater amount is coming tomorrow.  It forces you to trust in the universe!

Date #2

Hi!  Happy Saturday!!  I just got home from the gym.  Ugh not one of my best workouts, felt like my body was in slow motion but at least its done!

Tonight I am finally going on a second date with Nick.  We were supposed to go out last Saturday night but my friend had a baby and  I will always pick babies over boys.  We are going out for Sushi.  I am a little nervous but excited.  How many dates does it take to feel something?  Am I not giving it a chance?  Do I expect to feel stuff too soon?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Last night I met up with two friends from high school that are now married and have two kids.  They seem to have  a really good relationship.  I am happy for them and its something that I would like to have one day.  Not sure about the kids but the relationship part:)

My brother got engaged this week.  He is ten years younger than me and everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay…Like I am the old single sister.  Maybe I am reading too much into it.  I am very happy for them.  They have been together about 6 years.  She was actually one of my best friends first.  I think they will be very happy together!

I’ll report back after Date #2!  I’m excited !