Fear

I did it again.  Blacked out from alcohol.  How many times have I promised myself that I would never do that again?  I am so disappointed in myself.  I am making bad decisions and eventually something really bad will happen to me.  I may get a DUI, or end up going home with someone I don’t know or who knows what?!  I am not a college kid.  I am a mature adult and I am responsible in all other areas of my life.

And the worst part is I met a cute guy Nick on Saturday and he probably thinks I am a complete idiot!  I don’t even know if I gave him my number, I”m assuming he didn’t want it after my sloppy appearance.   Ugh.  The shame I am feeling is intense.  I have been wanting to meet someone naturally without using dating apps and blew this chance.

Do I completely stop drinking?  Do I allow myself a two drink limit?  1 drink an hour?  These are all things that I have thought of in the past but never stick to them because I think I have it under control.  But I obviously don’t.

I am meeting friends on Friday night for dinner and of course DRINKS.  Do I sip water?  Do I give myself limits?  I wish I could moderate like everyone else can.  I don’t know why that is so difficult for me.

This week I am going to meditate and pray.  I am in therapy and she said I need to learn to feel things and be more aware.  So that is what I am going to try to do!  I came across a quote today that definitely spoke to me – “Your life is a result of your choices.  If you don’t like your life, it’s time to make some better choices.”  I put the quote as the screen saver on my phone so I will see it often and remember to make better choices!

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