Loneliness

Its Sunday night.  I am hungover. And I am lonely.  I miss being in a relationship.  I am sitting on the couch, watching Greys Anatomy and just finished my second bowl of ice cream.  I am a total cliche.  I almost feel like the “cat lady”

Normally when I feel lonely I text a friend to go out for drinks but today is Day 1 of no drinking for me for some time.  I want to learn to feel loneliness without needing alcohol to numb myself.  I also don’t want to end up with any random person so the loneliness feeling goes away.  I have being hanging out with someone for the last couple of months.   I know he isn’t the right person but its nice to have someone around.  He has feelings for me and I know its wrong to hang with him when I don’t feel the same way.  Its a strange relationship/friendship.  We snuggle together but don’t have sex.  We meet up but as friends and then as the drinks start flowing we get more and more comfortable and intimate.  I know its fueled by alcohol and loneliness.  Time to stop that!  Its misleading to him and not getting me closer to a normal, healthy, new relationship.  I have made a list of things to do when I am bored or lonely and want to drink:

  • Yoga
  • Book Store
  • Watch Sunset
  • Go to Open Houses
  • Tennis – Find somewhere to take lessons
  • Library
  • Movies
  • Paddleboard
  • Bowling
  • Read
  • Work Out
  • Go to the Beach

Staying entertained is going to be helpful in this sobriety adventure!!

Day 1

Alcohol plays too big of a part in my life so I have decided to stop drinking for awhile.  Nothing major or awful has happened but I see danger in the future and feel like now is the time to make a change.  Alcoholism runs in my family.  So today is Day 1 of my no drinking journey.  I don’t know how long it will last.  I want to learn how to have fun without alcohol.  I am going to cultivate new hobbies.  I have spent enough time sitting at a bar.  I like being social but there are other things I can do.  And I have pinned 97 DIY projects that I can work on.  In my mind I equate alcohol with fun and I need to change that mindset.  I have been going out too much and overdoing it with the alcohol.  I never know when to stop.  I have a hard time going out for a drink or 2.  And then the next day I feel full of guilt and shame plus hungover and disappointed in myself.  I don’t want to feel that way anymore.  So today is the start of something new!  I am excited.  Since I am not saying I am never drinking again it seems like something manageable.  When I have tried not to drink in the past I end up bored so I am going to keep myself busy with non alcohol related things.

Bumble

My last long term relationship ended in August.  I have dated a bit since then but looking back I think it was more for companionship than a serious relationship.  My last relationship was from 2006 to 2017 and so much has changed since then!  There is Match, Bumble, Tinder, Plenty of Fish and on and on….

So I figured it was time to get started.  I downloaded the Bumble app yesterday.  So far its been fun flipping through or should I say swiping through different profiles.  I’m not sure exactly what to expect but I think it will be fun to get to know new people and I think I will also learn more about myself, about knowing what I do and don’t want in a partner.  I enjoy being in a relationship and I really miss that.  After my last relationship I wanted to give myself time to get over the hurt of that one ending and not immediately latching onto a new person.  But I was fearful that if I waited too long I would never get back out there.

Any suggestions?  Certain things to avoid in my profile?  Anyone find the love of their life online?!

Love – E

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a tough day for me.  My Mom has made some decisions in the last decade that has severed our relationship.  I have been very good at blocking out all thoughts of her because it is painful.  However all the Mothers Day ads remind me of what i am missing.  I think this has made me more compassionate for others that grew up in a single family home.  I was fortunate enough to have a close strong relationship with my Mom for the first 20 or so years of my life.  I will focus on those memories and continue to pray that we may have them again in the future.  But I can say that I am happy that Mothers Day is over!