Date #2

Hi!  Happy Saturday!!  I just got home from the gym.  Ugh not one of my best workouts, felt like my body was in slow motion but at least its done!

Tonight I am finally going on a second date with Nick.  We were supposed to go out last Saturday night but my friend had a baby and  I will always pick babies over boys.  We are going out for Sushi.  I am a little nervous but excited.  How many dates does it take to feel something?  Am I not giving it a chance?  Do I expect to feel stuff too soon?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Last night I met up with two friends from high school that are now married and have two kids.  They seem to have  a really good relationship.  I am happy for them and its something that I would like to have one day.  Not sure about the kids but the relationship part:)

My brother got engaged this week.  He is ten years younger than me and everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay…Like I am the old single sister.  Maybe I am reading too much into it.  I am very happy for them.  They have been together about 6 years.  She was actually one of my best friends first.  I think they will be very happy together!

I’ll report back after Date #2!  I’m excited !

Life

Good Morning!  Its Sunday morning and sunny and just a beautiful day!  I have no plans and am just going to go with the flow and see where the day takes me!  I see lots of coffee and reading in my near future.  Oh and it is National Ice Cream Day so I will be celebrating with ice cream too.  Ice cream is one of my favorite foods!

I haven’t been on any dates recently.  But there is a new member at my gym that is very cute!  He is older than me, about 15 years older…but he doesn’t look it.  I haven’t even talked to him so I am definitely just admiring from afar at this time!  New members at my gym have to go into a special intro class for the first 4 weeks to learn all the movements.  He just finished that last week so now he will be in the normal classes, hoping to run into him and see what happens.  He is a Michigan boy – they seem to be my weakness.

I was supposed to go on my second date with Nick last night but I cancelled because my friend had her baby.  Babies will always trump boys!  She invited me to the hospital to visit and I just couldn’t resist.  Holding a fresh brand new baby is such a happy thing.  She is absolutely perfect and they should be heading home today.  I texted Nick last night asking to reschedule and he hasn’t responded.  Maybe hes pissed? I’ll keep you posted on that situation!

Over the last 6 months I have gained about 8-10lbs.  I kept thinking it would fall off and my body weight would return to its previous norm, but that is not happening!  I have been counting macros on and off but know that I need to stick to it if I want to see results.  But I struggle.  I will do great for breakfast, lunch and a snack and then someone will ask if I want to meet for dinner or go grab a drink and then I throw off the entire day.  If I know I am meeting someone ahead of time I will save my fat and carbs for later and make sure my earlier meals are protein heavy so I hit that number.  I don’t want to become a hermit and skip all outings but I also want to achieve my goals.  This is my struggle!  Anyone else have this issue?  I think I need to not be so all or nothing, if I am slightly off on the numbers its still better than nothing.  I get to wrapped up in trying to do it perfectly or not bothering at all.  I am meeting a friend for dinner tonight so I will be eating mostly lean protein and veggies til tonight.  Will save most of my fat and carbs for dinner.

Well I am off to finish a New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, its at least my third time reading it.  I rarely reread books but I find that I learn more and more each time I read this book and come to understand it and myself better.  Maybe I am finally becoming more conscious….

Have a great day!!!

 

 

Date #4 Recap

Well first date #4 is in the books!  I was expecting it to go better.  It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t amazing.  I think I had higher hopes for this first date because I met him in person and felt a connection.  It wasn’t a complete cold internet set up date. Nick and I met at a local bar and had a few drinks.  We were planning to meet at 730. He texted me at 715ish and said he was going to be a bit early, which I love because I can’t stand when people are late.  Once he sat down he texted me where he was sitting which I thought was sweet.  I hate walking into a place looking for someone and feeling goofy.  The conversation flowed pretty well but its hard to tell.  I didn’t feel an immediate spark or connection, like I had the first time i met him.  But I’ve felt the spark before with exes and obviously those relationships have ended so maybe I shouldn’t rely on that feeling?!

Speaking of exes, I spoke with mine on Thursday and all the sparks and weird feelings were there.  WHY?!?!?!  I want them gone!!  We put each other through hell and there should be nothing left!  We have been apart for about a year.  We haven’t spoken in a few months.  Speaking to him is BAD!  It makes me think all the What Ifs but that isn’t going to get me anywhere!

Anyway back to Nick.  At the end of the night we did this awkward hug in the parking lot.  I texted him once I got home saying that I had fun and he responded that he did too and that he would like to hang out again sometime.  That was 5 days ago.  Since then we have texted but he hasn’t asked me out again.  Am I supposed to ask him? How does this work? I am so clueless!

Date #4 Is Tonight and Other Updates

Ok…remember a few weeks back when I mentioned the cute guy Nick that I met when I was out?  That was the night I got really drunk and was super embarrassed the next day.  Well I must have given him my number and he actually texted me a few days later.  I apologized for being so drunk and he said not to worry about it.  He was upset with how he acted that night too…Not exactly sure what that means though.

We texted back and forth for a week or so.  Nothing too deep because honestly I couldn’t remember much from our original convo when I was wasted…Insert eyeroll here.  I was wondering if we were just going to be texting buddies forever but then he asked me out!  We are meeting tonight for drinks, kind of odd since way too many drinks were involved last time.  I am giving myself a 3 drink maximum and then I am coming home!  We are going to a neighborhood bar that I am very comfortable in so I am relieved about that.  Originally he wanted to do dinner too but I changed it to just drinks.  Dinner seems formal, I just want casual fun conversation with a cute boy.  If it is fun we can try dinner next time.

Ok, in other news  I have gotten my drinking under control!  I feel so much better about it.  I had so much anxiety around alcohol and feel that it is gone.  I went out on Friday and Sunday last week and was in control the entire time.  I was at a Birthday dinner on Friday that lasted about 3 hours and in that time I had 3 drinks.  I never felt like I was deprived or needing more alcohol.  On Sunday I met a friend and only had 2 drinks.  I was the first to leave on both nights, I didn’t feel like I had to stay forever and keep drinking.  I woke up refreshed and not hungover and most importantly not angry with myself.  The guilt and shame feelings are the absolute worst!!

Lastly, I have started counting macros again.  I am about 8 to 10lbs heavier than my normal weight.  I played with macro counting a few months ago but quit even though I was seeing results.  I quit because I was consumed by the numbers and figuring out what I could and couldn’t make fit for the day.  I am going to take a more relaxed approach this time.  It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.  I think if I hit the numbers 85% of the time I will see results.  When I don’t track I definitely don’t eat enough protein and I know that negatively affects my body composition.

Have a happy and safe 4th!!!

#2

Online date #2 was awful!  I met him on Tinder.  After Date #1 I was hoping for someone who didn’t drink as much.  I thought it would be fun to get to know someone without alcohol.  This guy wrote in his profile that he rarely drinks.  He also said he was an engineer and a father of a 5 year old son.  I am okay with dating someone with a child.  I am 33 and am looking for someone in the 30s age range, I understand at this stage a lot of people have kids.  He told me that he likes to play pool, so he seemed like he was still social even though he doesn’t drink.  That was important to me.

We decided to meet for dinner.  When I pulled up he was sitting outside waiting for me on the bench.  He looked like a little kid waiting for the bus. I felt bad for immediately judging but he was very short and had a very small build.  I’m pretty sure I could lift more than him.  We went in to the restaurant.  Typically I would order a glass of wine but since he doesn’t really drink I just got  a water.  He ordered his meal when the waitress came to get our drink order.  It was odd, I barely had a chance to look.  But luckily this sped up the night!  After we ordered we started talking.  Or should I say he started talking.  And talking.  And talked some more.

I asked him about his son and he was happy to talk about him for 15 minutes, which is great!  I love to see dads that are involved and love their kids.  After that we talked about his job, which he hates.  Then he proceeded to tell me about his ex and how life has beat him down. WHOA DUDE!!  No one wants to listen to your sob story on the first date.  I asked him if he was looking for a new job or what he was doing about his life.  And he said nothing.

At that point I realized two major things. 1.  If someone complains about a problem but isn’t willing to do anything about it I have a hard time being compassionate. 2.  This was exactly what I was doing in my life with drinking and my diet.  I realized I need to be completely responsible for my actions!

So even though the date was a bust I did learn something.  And for the record he never asked me a single question the entire night.

#3

Tinder date number 3 was the best so far.  This was the guy I originally blew off.  Then we rescheduled and he blew me off.  He texted me about an hour before we were supposed to meet to say his dog was sick.  I thought it was a pretty lame excuse but I did the same thing to him first so couldn’t be too mad!  When he reached out for us to try a third time I decided to go for it.

We met at a casual but nice restaurant.  We sat outside.  He ordered us an appetizer.  He took the initiative and just did it.  I appreciate that.  That is manly in my opinion.  We each had two drinks during dinner.  We were there for about two hours but it didn’t seem that long.  I was comfortable even though the conversation lagged at times.  He grew up close to me. He didn’t graduate high school but got his GED and started college at 16.  He works with boats and sounds successful.  He doesn’t believe in debt.  Being a Dave Ramsey fan this was music to my ears.  Also, we ordered carrot cake to share at the end. This restaurant is known for their amazing carrot cake so I was very excited when he suggested it.  He paid for dinner, I offered to split it but he said no way.  I offered to be polite but was happy that he didn’t take it.

Our date was last Thursday night.  He texted me on Friday asking if we could hang on Sunday and I told him that I had plans but suggested Tuesday.  He said ok cool.  Its now Tuesday at 5:54pm and I haven’t heard from him.  Was I supposed to reach out?!  I want someone that makes an effort.  I don’t want to chase him around.  I’ve done that before and don’t want to anymore!

#1

My first Bumble date was fun!  But he wasn’t for me.  I met him in my town at a local bar.  I was meeting a friend for dinner after and I only had about 1 hour or so to meet him.  I thought it was the perfect set up because I wasn’t stuck there for too long if he sucked.  When I got there he seemed to be slightly tipsy, I figured he was nervous.  But he drank very quickly.  That is not something that I need in my life with the struggles that I have had with over consuming alcohol and trying to moderate.  He was very fun!  He suggested that my friend come meet us and have a drink with us.  So she did and then we ended up hanging out all night. But we both ended up drinking too much and that is not the kind of relationship I want going forward.  I want someone who can have a few drinks and stop and who doesn’t need alcohol.  These are the habits that I am trying to relearn and I would like a partner that already does this.

The next day he texted me asking to go to dinner.  At first I thought it would be okay to give him another chance.  I thought maybe he wouldn’t be nervous and neither of us would drink as much on the second date.  But after thinking about it I thought that was a bad idea and our texting just kind of fizzled out.  he didn’t try too hard and I just let it go.  About 3 weeks late he asked if I was still interested in dinner.  I said sure and we had planned on going out on Sunday night.  On Friday I was out with friends and he invited him to meet for a drink, I said that I couldn’t but if he came to our area to stop by.  He never responded and then I didn’t hear from him until 6pm on sunday.  It was strange.  I didn’t respond.

Dating is helping me learn what I do and don’t want in a partner.  I want someone that makes an effort to see me and follows through on date plans.

Fear

I did it again.  Blacked out from alcohol.  How many times have I promised myself that I would never do that again?  I am so disappointed in myself.  I am making bad decisions and eventually something really bad will happen to me.  I may get a DUI, or end up going home with someone I don’t know or who knows what?!  I am not a college kid.  I am a mature adult and I am responsible in all other areas of my life.

And the worst part is I met a cute guy Nick on Saturday and he probably thinks I am a complete idiot!  I don’t even know if I gave him my number, I”m assuming he didn’t want it after my sloppy appearance.   Ugh.  The shame I am feeling is intense.  I have been wanting to meet someone naturally without using dating apps and blew this chance.

Do I completely stop drinking?  Do I allow myself a two drink limit?  1 drink an hour?  These are all things that I have thought of in the past but never stick to them because I think I have it under control.  But I obviously don’t.

I am meeting friends on Friday night for dinner and of course DRINKS.  Do I sip water?  Do I give myself limits?  I wish I could moderate like everyone else can.  I don’t know why that is so difficult for me.

This week I am going to meditate and pray.  I am in therapy and she said I need to learn to feel things and be more aware.  So that is what I am going to try to do!  I came across a quote today that definitely spoke to me – “Your life is a result of your choices.  If you don’t like your life, it’s time to make some better choices.”  I put the quote as the screen saver on my phone so I will see it often and remember to make better choices!

Wimped Out

Last night I was supposed to have my second Tinder date.  But I bailed.  I thought I would be excited but I was stressing about it.  We were planning to go grab drinks and watch the sunset.  It sounded nice:(

How am I supposed to find a new relationship if I won’t try dating?  Its like saying I want to lose weight but not willing to work out or eat well!  Doesn’t make any sense!  I wish dates could be at the beginning of the day, then I wouldn’t have the entire day to stress about it or try to get out of it.  All of my prior relationships just happened, we either met at school or through friends.  Actual dating is hard work!  I want to view it as a fun experience but need to work on that!

I’m still on the App and messaging back and forth with a few guys so hopefully actual Date #2  will happen soon.  This time I will go!

Update

A few weeks ago I posted about giving up alcohol.  That lasted 5 days.  I think/thought I am smart and strong enough to be able to control myself and not let it get out of hand.  I live alone and work alone and often get invited to bars to socialize after work or on weekends.  I know that I don’t need to drink.  I know its possible.  I never over do the booze when I am home.  Last night I had one glass of wine and it was no big deal not to have more.  Why does it change at a bar?  Is it the atmosphere?  This is something I am working on figuring out for myself.

I have plans for Friday and Saturday night this week that don’t have to include alcohol. Friday night I am going to the movies and I am sure a few will meet up for drinks before and after the movie but I can pass on the booze.  And if I drink anything before a movie I will more than likely fall asleep anyway!  On Saturday night I am going to a rooftop yoga class with a DJ.  It sounds like fun and non alcohol related!  I am going to start broadening my horizons and looking for new activities that aren’t completely focused around alcohol.

I still think of alcohol as a reward.  How do I break that connection?  Yesterday I had a 12 hour work day and thought I “deserved” a glass of wine when I got home.  I also think of food as a reward too.  I will work on breaking that connection but the brain and ingrained thinking patterns are so tough thing to change!!!