Need to Write

Hello! It’s been a long time without writing any posts. But whenever I am experiencing turmoil in my personal life I feel the need to write. Its almost an intense pull back to my keyboard. This weekend was tumultuous to say the least. My Mom is an alcoholic and I don’t have a relationship with her at this point. She has been struggling for the past 15 years to stay sober and it is so difficult and painful to watch. Every time she falls off the wagon I feel so let down. I think that if she loved me enough should would be able to stop drinking but I know that isn’t true. Her love for me doesn’t have to do with her actions. But I still feel that way and have a hard time being rational about it. With Mother’s Day this being yesterday it always stirs things up for me emotionally. I miss her and feel like I am missing out on a very important relationship in my life. I got married last year and she wasn’t invited to my wedding. My brother also got married and she wasn’t invited to his wedding either. We’ve had to cut ties with her because its too painful to watch the same pattern.

I drank way too much on Saturday and made a fool of myself. I am not trying to blame my poor choices on my Mom but I do think it is related. I plan to stay away from alcohol for awhile. It doesn’t make any sense for me to way over drink because I am sad about my Mom drinking too much. That doesn’t help anything and only makes me feel way worse. Yesterday was completely wasted feeling hungover and tired and ashamed. I want to do better than that. Maybe going back to therapy would be helpful. Alcohol is tricky – and I have a hard time with moderation. I know my life will be brighter, more focused and productive if I am drinking less.

On Thursday, I was listening to an Abraham Hicks recording and it said “you must suspend your intoxication” and that spoke to me. I wish I had taken that to heart over the weekend.

Hello Monday!

We had a great weekend!  We spent the majority of it outside and it was just what I needed!  Fresh air and sunshine are the best.

On Friday evening after work we met some friends at the beach for snacks, cocktails and sunset.  It was a really pretty sunset – I think it had something to do with the Saharan dust (another 2020 surprise!)  It was nice to socialize but still feel safe because we were outdoors and not sitting too close together.

Beach Friday

Saturday morning I was up and out early. Our friends invited us on their boat and I wanted to squeeze in a quick 2 mile run before we left.

So grateful for friends with a boat.  Boat days are the best!  Again we had beautiful weather and no rain – which is rare this time of year!  The sun was very strong and I burned my back and chest a bit even though I reapplied SO MANY TIMES!

Boat SatBoat2

We stayed out to watch sunset and it was great!  I felt so relaxed after a day on the water.  We are planning on buying a boat in 2021 or 2022 and this just got me even more excited for it!  After the boat we got Taco Bell on the way home and then crashed.

Sunday was a pretty low key day.  I did some stuff around the house – like laundry and cleaning.  I also finished a book and started a new puzzle.  The only time I left the house was for dinner.  We ended the weekend with some delicious Sushi!61507427830__CF3B8DB6-CBFC-4B45-A30D-D5245AB548DE

The first sushi place we went to was take out only.  In our state cases have started rising again and some restaurants and businesses are closing again or limiting hours.  We shall see how this plays out in the future.  Hopefully it ends soon!

Hope you all had a great weekend too!

Thursday Thoughts

Hi!  Thought I would pop in with a few things that are on my mind.

  1.  Covid cases are spiking in my state and my Covid anxiety is back!  I was panicked in the end of March and beginning of April but then it slowly dissipated as the number of cases weren’t as bad as first predicted.  But now they are going back up.  A guy that I am friends with on FB has Covid and reading his posts is freaking me out!  His girlfriend and daughter also had it and rebounded without any issues but its still alarming!
  2. Did a bunch of Ab stuff at the gym yesterday and it hurts to cough or sneeze today! I love knowing I worked my muscles and feeling sore but this is a bit much:)  Guess this is a sign I need to work my abs more.  As I am typing this eating string cheese and having a glass of wine….
  3. Tomorrow night I will see some friends and family that I haven’t seen since mid March.  Maybe it is stupid for us to get together as cases rise but we planned this about 3 weeks ago.  We shall see….  I know my mental health needs to see people and laugh.
  4. Yesterday we found out you can buy the last season of Schitt’s Creek on Amazon Prime and we did it.  Total impulse purchase but worth it.  It will be free on Netflix eventually but there still isn’t a release date.  It was $25…not gonna make or break us.
  5. We made these  Chocolate Lava Cakes     for Fathers Day and they are so good!  You really can’t go wrong with lots of butter, sugar and chocolate!  I prep them ahead of time and then preheat the oven as we sit down for dinner to cook them.  They are warm and gooey and the best topped with ice cream. We may have made two extra to have the next night.

Ok thats all I got today!  Hope you are having a good one:)

Monday Thoughts

Today has been a weird day!  Usually I love Mondays and jump out of bed to get started – but not today.  I am trying to be patient with myself and not push or force myself to be productive.  Luckily today is a very flexible work day and I can do this.  I have been listening to a lot of Abraham Hicks lately, especially around the topic of productivity and feeling worthy.  I am trying to fix my thinking that I have to be productive at all times.  I struggle with this because I beat myself up if I am lazy.  HELP!  Does anyone else struggle with this?  If you just do whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, how will you ever get things accomplished?  I know when I am able to surrender and go with the flow things happen faster and easier, but getting into that mindset is where I struggle.  It has to do with proving myself and not thinking I am enough or good enough the way I am.  All my life I have pushed myself to be better – so it is hard to accept myself.

My fiance is much better at relaxing and feeling worthy.  I watch him and am sometimes envious!  But I am learning from him.  You are enough just as you are – he tells me that all the time.  I just need to remember it more often.

I know I am rambling but just wanted to share these thoughts.  If anyone has any tips or ideas I’m all ears!

Feeling Blah

The world is crazy right now.  Covid-19 pandemic, Riots, Protests…Its NUTS!  I am feeling a lot of tension in the air and everything feels very heavy.  It feels like the country is divided and everyone is choosing sides.  People are very easily angered.  When Covid first got serious I thought it was something that would unite us as a country and world.  The terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001 were horrific but I felt like our country pulled together then and became stronger.  That is not the case today.  The protests and riots regarding race in our country are another huge dividing situation.  The election is in 5 months and I fear that will only make things worse.

My fiance and I have been bickering and arguing.  Is it because everything is so crazy right now?  Or is there a bigger problem?  We will be talking soon and hopefully clearing up a few things.  I need to be open with my thoughts and feelings.  Its something I am working on.  I can say that I am mad but its hard for me to say I’m hurt or scared.  I have been very hard on him recently, being rude to him instead of addressing things properly.  I know this hurts him and the last thing I want to do is hurt him – he is the kindest soul.

I hope you are having a better day than I am!  I am going to head out for a long walk and turn my attitude around!

I’ll Be Happy When…

Do you ever feel like you will be happy when…this or that happens and then that thing happens and you have another milestone you have to reach.  For years I have done this and I am trying to break the cycle.  I am very fortunate that my new Love is willing to discuss this habit and other thinking patterns that I need to work on.  In college I thought I would be happy when I graduated and got a job.  When I graduated and began my business I thought I would be happy when I was making $50K per year.  When I was earning $50K per year I thought I would be happy once I get married.  You get the picture.

I know enough about the Law of Attraction to know that you have to be happy where you are.  I also know that outside circumstances like money or jobs or marriages won’t make you happy unless you already are happy.  However, I have been struggling with this lately.  My new love is so laid back and live in the moment and relaxed that it sometimes helps to calm me and other times it gets me so worked up.  I know that we will get married and spend our lives together but I worry that his laid back attitude won’t get our goals achieved.  I want to clarify that he is not lazy – just goes at his own pace.  I know it is on me to keep myself happy and to keep calm but it doesn’t always work that way.  I will freak out thinking that everything needs to get done and that we have to be productive at all times in order to achieve our goals and be happy.  I have a hard time relaxing and just being without guilt.

Any suggestions?

Favorite Quotes

I need some inspiration today and thought it would be great for me to re-read and share a few of my favorite quotes.  I find that I can be in the worst mood ever, but seeing these quotes can quickly boost my mood and vibration.  Hope it helps you if you need it today too!

“Remember that the reason you are doing this is to make your life better.”

“What you think, you become.  What you feel, you attract.  What you imagine, you create.”  Buddha

“You are somebody’s perfect.”

“Accept – then act.  Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.  Always work with it, not against it….This will miraculously transform your whole life.” – Eckhart Tolle

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”  – Dalai Lama

“Unsuccessful people make decisions based on their current situations.  Successful people make decisions based on where they want to be.”

“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” – Eckhart Tolle

“Six months from now you can be in a completely different place mentally, spiritually, and financiallu.  Keep working and believing in yourself.”

“Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.”

“You are responsible for your own happiness.”

“What others think of me is their choice, what I think of myself is my choice.”

“I say “Out” to every negative thought that comes to my mind.  No person, place or things has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind.  I create my own reality and everyone in it.” – Louis Hay

“Don’t look back – you’re not going that way.”

“A grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.”

“I do not fix my problems.  I fix my thinking.  The problems fix themselves.”


“When you focus on the good, the good will find you.”

“One day these 5ams will make you a legend.”



I just finished listening to a podcast from Brooke Castillo on Buffering.  It’s #132 and titled Stop Buffering.  All of Brooke’s podcasts give me something new to think about but this one really hit home.  She explains buffering as using things, substances or activities to numb our feelings.  Some people over drink, some over eat, some shop, some watch Netflix to zone out and not feel things.  Basically we do something so we don’t feel anything negative.  Buffering never solves the problem at hand and usually it makes it worse.

Why are we so scared to feel things? I am terrified of negative emotions.  Years ago I had a boyfriend and it wasn’t a good situation and I was always scared I would wake up in the middle of the night and think about it so I would take sleeping pills to ensure I wouldn’t have to deal with those negative emotions at 3am.  Looking back on it that seems so stupid – if a relationship is so bad that you need to drug yourself to sleep that is a major issue!  But I was too scared to feel things.

Since my DUI, which you can read about here: Life Updates , I haven’t been drinking very much and i have had to deal with negative emotions.  I’ve realized they won’t kill you!  They will pass.  I have learned so much about myself and what I really want.  I am a big believer in the Law of Attraction and follow Abraham Hicks and know that you need to be able to feel your vibration and align that with what you want.  If you are always drinking or eating to numb your feelings you are also dulling your vibration – this will never help you attract what you want using the Law of Attraction.  You are going to make it so much harder instead of easier.  I believe this is why I attracted my new Love while sober.  I was finally a vibrational match for him.

I am fearful that I will go back to buffering in the future.  I get anxious when I am bored and tend to over drink or over eat then.  I have always pushed myself in school, starting my business, working out, etc that there wasn’t a lot of down time.  So now when I have free time I panic.  I am slowly finding out what I like to do when I have free time that isn’t just over drinking to check out.  Sounds weird to say that I don’t know what I like to do for fun at 34 but its true.

Do you buffer?  What feelings are you trying to escape from?


I believe intentions are somewhere between goals and affirmations.  If I set an intention I think I intend to head in that direction with my life.  For the last year or I have practiced rewriting my intentions each day in my journal.  I haven’t always been consistent but when I am in the habit of doing it first thing in the morning it helps to set the tone for the day and reminds me what I am striving for.  But if it feels like something I have to do or I am just rewriting them to cross it off my to do list then it doesn’t feel nearly as good so I skip those days.  I wait for the days when I am aligned to rewrite them, and luckily that is most days.

I find it most peaceful and motivating for me to meditate and then rewrite the intentions as I am sipping my first cup of morning coffee.  With dogs, and alarms and early meetings and everything else that doesn’t always happen.  But when it does it is magical.  Sometimes as I write each one I shut my eyes for 30 seconds and visual the completion of that intention and how that would make me feel.  I can usually lock in to the warm, inspiring ,juicy good feeling.  If I can’t then I rethink the intention that doesn’t get my good feelings flowing.  Typically that means it is something that I think I should want but really don’t.  If that is the case then I stop practicing that intention.

I currently have 7 intentions.  I find between 6 and 9 to be a manageable number of things to be focusing on.  Here are my current intentions:

  1. I am an exceptional wife to the man of my dreams.
  2. I am honest.
  3. I weigh 119 and have 23% body fat.
  4. I manage $30 million in assets.
  5. I am kind and loving to myself and others.
  6. I have a healthy relationship with alcohol.
  7. I am kind and loving to myself and others.

Do you set intentions?

Recent Reads I

Reading has been one of my favorite hobbies for as long as I can remember.  Growing up my favorite day of the month was the day my Babysitters Club Books came in the mail.  I think they would send 3 per month.  Does anyone else remember that?  They were the best!  I belong to two different book clubs now.  One is more of a book exchange and one is a true book club.  Books are a big part of my life!  Below are a few that I’ve read recently.


This book followed three women who attended West Point and their lives after.  It was good but not great, I had a hard time feeling anything for the characters.  I like when I get drawn in and they feel like friends – I didn’t get that feeling with these characters.  However, I would read another book by this author to try again.  I believe this was her first novel.



Behind the Beautiful Forevers is my book club pick for this month.  This is not a book I would typically choose.  Usually I choose light, happy books.  This was NOT that.  I enjoyed it and it definitely made my appreciate my comfortable, safe life in the US.  The way people live in India is so sad.  This book showed how hard daily life is – the lack of food, clean water, safe homes and all the corruption.

A Little

Ugh I could not get into A Little Life.  I read about 80 pages and decided to quit. It followed the lives of 4 different men in their 20s in NYC.  It just wasn’t for me right now – maybe at another time.


I just started The Bookshop on The Corner by Jenny Colgan.  So far it is light and cute – I don’t feel that it will be earth shattering or forever change my world but its a nice read.

Have you read anything good lately?  I am always looking for suggestions!