Hello! It’s been a long time without writing any posts. But whenever I am experiencing turmoil in my personal life I feel the need to write. Its almost an intense pull back to my keyboard. This weekend was tumultuous to say the least. My Mom is an alcoholic and I don’t have a relationship with her at this point. She has been struggling for the past 15 years to stay sober and it is so difficult and painful to watch. Every time she falls off the wagon I feel so let down. I think that if she loved me enough should would be able to stop drinking but I know that isn’t true. Her love for me doesn’t have to do with her actions. But I still feel that way and have a hard time being rational about it. With Mother’s Day this being yesterday it always stirs things up for me emotionally. I miss her and feel like I am missing out on a very important relationship in my life. I got married last year and she wasn’t invited to my wedding. My brother also got married and she wasn’t invited to his wedding either. We’ve had to cut ties with her because its too painful to watch the same pattern.
I drank way too much on Saturday and made a fool of myself. I am not trying to blame my poor choices on my Mom but I do think it is related. I plan to stay away from alcohol for awhile. It doesn’t make any sense for me to way over drink because I am sad about my Mom drinking too much. That doesn’t help anything and only makes me feel way worse. Yesterday was completely wasted feeling hungover and tired and ashamed. I want to do better than that. Maybe going back to therapy would be helpful. Alcohol is tricky – and I have a hard time with moderation. I know my life will be brighter, more focused and productive if I am drinking less.
On Thursday, I was listening to an Abraham Hicks recording and it said “you must suspend your intoxication” and that spoke to me. I wish I had taken that to heart over the weekend.